Just Slide

     During Thanksgiving holiday, my family took us to Oklahoma to go deer hunting.  The deer lease is in the middle of no where with absolutely no modern technology.  To get cell service, you have to travel almost 15 minutes down the road and it is still sketchy.  We arrived on Monday and by the time we unloaded the trailer that looked like the "Beverly Hillbillies", it was time for bed.  Everything was going fine until I had a difficult time Tuesday night.  I have never really had an anxiety, panicking fit over loosing my husband, but I had one this night.  I wanted to go home now, and my Mom did her best to console me.  I finally got tired of being so sad, and went to bed.
     As I went to sleep, I asked that God would somehow take all the pain away because I just couldn't deal with it anymore.  That night I had the most unusual dream.  I was back at my family's  lake lot and about to have some real fun, when I noticed this huge water slide two boathouses down.  I walked up to it and realized it was about three stories tall.  I thought what fun, and began to climb up.  By the time I had made my way to the top, I noticed writing where you sit your bottom down on the slide.  It was in my husband's handwriting and said, "You've made it this far, now slide!"  There was more writing below and as I started to read it, I noticed just how far up off the ground I was.  I became very scared and climbed back down the slide.
     The next morning, I ran downstairs to tell my Mom about the dream.  She was very excited and thought it had the best meaning.  I had made it a long way and I really needed to just keep on walking forward.  Wow!  I really hadn't thought about the meaning before I told her about the dream.  Phil was telling me (in a way) to move on living my life.  I felt like he was proud of me.  I give full credit to the Lord, because He knew I needed some encouragement from my husband.  After that day, I relaxed and had a great time.  I even let myself have some fun and played cards with my sisters and brother-in-laws.  I hadn't laughed that much in ages.  I just breezed through my first Thanksgiving without Phil and actually enjoyed it.  Isn't God wonderful!!

"Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; His greatness no one can fathom."  - Psalm 145:3

Christmas Light Hanging Experience

     Yesterday, my children finally begged me long enough to start hanging Christmas lights outside.  I have already experienced the "I just want to skip this year" holiday blues, so I guess I needed the extra push.  I have always enjoyed helping with the Christmas lights, but now I am the brains in behind it.  This is much harder than you think.  First, you have to figure out your location of the outside plugs and then arrange the lights so that they match up with those plugs.  I never considered the gutter clips being a challenge.  I hung almost one side of the house and then realized that I was hanging the clips backwards.  Up and down the ladder I went.  I finished about half of the house and was pooped and thank goodness it was almost dark.(perfect excuse to stop)  I went inside to rest and noticed my fingers were hurting.  I should have worn gloves.  (Where is the book on hanging Christmas lights?)
     The next day I finished up after fighting high winds and loosing the clip bag off the ladder multiple times.   I stepped back and our house looks like kids definitely live here.  Colored lights everywhere!  I don't think I will nominate my house for a light show tour, but for my first solo Christmas hanging experience, I would give myself a B+.  I was so excited for my Mom to see the finished product.  She came out to stay with us the night I finished, and I met her at the door smiling.  I asked her what she thought and she responded, "Well, it's kind of far off from the road…. but it looks good."  Not the response I was hoping for, but I guess it will do.  My house does sit a little off the road. I will add a picture soon.

God's Canvas

     This time of the year, I see beautiful sunsets from my front porch.  As I was driving down my driveway, I noticed something unusual about the sun.  I looked up and saw a double sun.  There was a reflection to the left of me in the clouds.  It was outstanding!  I stopped the truck and told my kids to look.  The first thing Spencer said was, "I think God is giving us a special gift to try and cheer us up since we are sad."  How my six year old can be so wise for his age.  I quickly thanked God for his spectacular gift.

     "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless." Psalm 84:11

Lucy

     I have heard about animals being great therapy for grief.  Our therapy animal is a black cat named Lucy.  To understand the miracle of Lucy, I must start at the beginning.  Lucy was found by my children at Phil's work around October 2013.  She was a young cat that had missed several meals.  My kids were outside in the back parking lot playing and she appeared.  She went straight up to them and became instant friends.  Phil was not a cat person, so immediately told the kids "no" before they had time to ask if they could keep her.  Knowing how much my Mom likes cats, I called her and begged for her to come rescue this little cat.  She cannot say no to strays, so she came and picked her up.
     Lucy became one of three cats at my parents farm.  She fit in perfectly and loved on everybody.  The week of Thanksgiving, my parents had gone out of town and I was taking care of the animals.  We only lived just a few miles away, so every afternoon I would load up the kids and go out to feed.  Lucy had not really figured out how dangerous cars could be, so we were always very careful backing out of the driveway.  Out of the blue, she darts in behind my car and I run over her.  It was awful to know and feel the bump.  My kids just went to pieces and I saw Lucy run up to the house very injured.  I just could not stand for my kids to see how badly hurt I thought she was, so I drove off and called Phil.  I was crying and explained what had happened and that he must come out here and probably bury her.  He agreed to come out and arrived about 30 minutes after it happened.  He found her in the garage and she seemed fine.  He said she was sore but appeared to be ok.  How?  All I can say is God spared that cat for the future.
     While Phil was so sick in the hospital, Lucy became the comfort that I could not give my kids.  I was about 2 hours away and could only talk with them rarely.  Lucy was constantly with them.  From sitting in their laps, to letting my kids dress her up in baby clothes.  My son's favorite past time with Lucy is wrapping her up and putting her into a box.  He then pulls her around my parent's house, sometimes running with her.  She just stays in her box and takes it.  Lucy has become their most favorite pet.  After a few days at our house, my kids start asking to go to the farm to see Lucy, not their grandparents.  She even sleeps with them when they spend the night.  I do think Lucy was hurt on that day at the farm.  I believe God healed her before Phil arrived out there.  I also believe that she was to be the kids comfort during this time of loss.  It's like God told Lucy exactly what she was to be to my kids. That probably sounds crazy, but I am so thankful for God's wonderful creation.  Even a little black cat named, Lucy.

Lucy sleeping with my son.

Transitions

     I haven't written in a while for several reasons.  I went through a period of grief that just didn't allow me to have words.  I am beginning to transition into being a single, stay at home mom.  It hasn't been easy and I have had many hard days.  I am somewhat seeing a pattern of normal.  We begin our days with school and I keep up with my household duties in the afternoon.  I am still trying to take care of paperwork and selling horses.  I was able to sell all the horses that I wanted to sell.  Huge check mark off my list.  I am trying my best to organize and move everything to my new house so that I am not scattered everywhere.  I am a scatter brain, but at least all of my stuff will be in one place.
     I still cannot figure out why God gave so much physical strength to men.  I have needed brute strength on a few projects and just cannot finish without help.  I absolutely hate to ask for help.  (I am hard headed.)  I am getting by with each day, except for my lawn mower being on the brink.  I have had a few words with that lawn mower.  Thankfully, our Texas weather is cooling and my grass is slowing down with growing and needing to be mowed once a week.  I am considering having a small barn put up for the two horses I am keeping.  My kiddos have been begging to learn to ride.  That is one thing that Phil and I liked together.  I keep putting it off, but hope to dust off my spurs and saddle and see how my mare, Kate, rides. I can't recall how long its been since she has been ridden.  I will probably need my riding helmet.
     One thing that is odd to me on this journey of grief, is how similar it is to a time in my past.  At 17, I lost my cousin in a car wreck who was like a brother.  How I hurt for his loss.  I remember staring out of my parents living room window at our back yard for what seemed like hours.  I have been staring out my window again.  This time my window, in my house, at my pasture.  I look at the place where I remember seeing Phil one of the last times before he became sick.  I told my mom that exactly one year after I lost my cousin, I met Phil.  God had placed Phil in my life at the very time I needed someone to help me move through my grief.  I know that God has placed many people in my path over these past 9 months.  God never ceases to amaze me at His all knowing power.

Celebrating Phil's Birthday

   Today was Phil's birthday and I tried to come up with something the kids would like to do to remember Daddy.  We have been vacationing in Colorado for almost two weeks, and decided to release balloons in Phil's favorite valley with special messages inside.  My in-laws, my parents, and my kids all picked our favorite color or Phil's favorite, and traveled out this morning.  It has been a beautiful day and the temperature was perfect. My kids absolutely loved it and didn't shed one tear.  We all stood in a circle and prayed.  Then counted to 35 since that was how old Phil would have been today, and released them.  We all stayed mesmerized as the balloons slowly rose too high for us to see with our naked eye. We have spent the whole day celebrating his life and having fun.  What makes this day so special is that every member of our immediate family got to join us.  My siblings and Phil's siblings all were able to release a balloon at their own homes, even though we live spread out from one side of the country to the other.  We are ending our celebration with birthday cake tonight.  Thank you to all our sweet family for taking pictures and honoring their crazy sister and sister-in-law's request.

The Skunk

     Living in the country, there are a few animals that I just do not want to come across.  One is snakes and the other is skunks.  I have been really fortunate this summer to have only seen one snake.  It was just time to see the skunk.  My brother-in-law had come over to pick up a big brush hog mower.  This one is so heavy, that he had to pick it up with a front end loader on the tractor.  As he picked it up, a skunk came out and moved his home into my tractor shed.  I came outside at this point and he yelled that I needed to pull my tractor out where the skunk would leave.  As soon as I began to drive my tractor out, the skunk sprayed underneath my mower where he was hiding.  He then moved over in the shed to in behind my RV.  Seriously, this is getting frustrating.
      Well, you guessed it.  I had to hook up my truck to the RV and pull it out.  My brother-in-law waited to see if the critter would finally leave.  I pulled the RV out and then the skunk moved over to in behind a couple of ladders.  Ok, I was mad by this point.  I told my brother-in-law to stand by as I go in behind the shed to make some loud noises.  This didn't make any difference in the skunk moving on to a different location.  I came into the shed and used a long piece of 2 by 4 and rammed it at him as my brother in law looked on in disbelief.  I was several feet from him, but then the skunk got upset and came right towards us.  That was all it took for me.  I turned and ran.  The skunk did leave the shed, but sprayed as he did.  Wow, it is one thing running over a skunk on the road with your car.  It's a whole other thing when you are that close to the smell.  I can tell you what, that stuff would make any enemy surrender and run.  Thankfully, the spray did not hit us.  That is the last skunk I want to see up close and personal.  My kids laughed and laughed at me.  I did feel like I was in a Bugs Bunny cartoon with Pepe Le Pew.  Sometimes you just have to laugh at some situations.  I don't know which is worse now.  The snake or skunk.  From here on out, I am praying to not see either one.

A Deeper Trust

     The 6 month mark since Phil passed away has hit me hard.  It is funny how grief is like a wave in the ocean.  Somedays they are larger than other days.  Sometimes I feel like I can not do things without Phil.  Days it seems hard just to accomplish one small task.  Being a Christian, I know that Satan is trying to make me feel like I am nothing.  I also realized that on these days I haven't had my needed quite time with God.  I know He will never leave me.  I tend to read Job 42 on days I need the extra encouragement.  Sometimes life seems hopeless or like it can not get any worse, but I am finding that I have to lay everything down at God's feet and trust Him to work out the details.  After all, He created me and knows exactly what I need.  "Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall." Psalm 55:22

Easter Bunnies

     Hopefully this story will put a smile on your face.  Back about a week before Easter this year, we found some baby cottontail rabbits.  I guess I should clarify.  My dog, Stetson, found baby rabbits.  I was outside doing my never ending yard work, and my son yelled at me to come over to our car port.  The dog was barking at something, which was not unusual.  I could hear some sort of baby animal but couldn't see the ground because of the weeds.  I got a stick and began poking around.  I found what I thought were baby mice.  Being the brave Mom that I am, I yelled at my daughter to come look.  She looked in the hole and said, "Mom, those are bunnies".  I knew that.  I had remember seeing a lot of fur on the ground around this hole yesterday.  I called my friend that knows a lot about wildlife and figured out that if they were making noises, then the babies were probably abandoned or the mom was killed.
     Being the adult that I am, I called my mom.  The first thing she said to me was do not bring them to her house.  Well, seeing that I had a puppy, the most logical thing was to take them to her house.  The first thing my mom said was, " I hope you didn't just bring those things here and then AWHH..... they are so cute."  To make a long story short, we raised them as a family for the next 2 months and then turned them back out into the wild.  I still see two of them periodically in the evening.  I believe that God sent them to us to take my children's mind off of their loss.  My daughter was beside herself and mothered them until we turned them out.  I have to say, our first Easter without Phil wasn't so bad after all.

The One and Only

     Lately, I tend to miss Phil the most when a task becomes too difficult for me to do by myself.  It always seems like yard work brings about the most frustrations.  My trusty riding lawn mower has been with me for over 12 years.  I have been babying a tire that is usually low every time I need to use it.  Well, this week it took 5 times of airing up before I finished my yard.  I even was carrying the air pump on the lawn mower with me for the convenience of airing up at the closest plug.  This week I also finally ran both weed eaters out of string.  Phil didn't teach me about string.  Did you know there are different sizes?  I learned that the hard way, after looking at my local hardware store for many minutes before finding help.  Times like these, I tend to pray for God to send some nice handy man that understands lawn equipment.  Or sometimes I pray God, if you could just send someone to help dig post holes.  The list of my projects are endless.  I know He is hearing my prayers, but sometimes I need a physical body.  Hello???
     I was corrected this week about that very thought.  The Lord placed it on my heart that He is all that I need.  I go through the panicky stages of crying out for help, being alone, and not knowing how to accomplish the easiest of tasks my husband did.  Psalm 121:1-2, "I lift up my eyes to the hills where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."  Sometimes my idea of timely getting to my prayer request and the Lord's idea are totally different.  This very week one of my prayers that I have been seeking help about, finally was checked off the to do list.  I have been trying to find a concrete man to pour a couple of sidewalks around my house.  I called many numbers, met with two men about the job, and just couldn't find the right one.  A friend at church suggested a guy that is a retired concrete man that we attend church with.  Duh....  I felt so stupid for not thinking about him sooner.  He even told me he felt like God wanted him to call me.  Guess what?  He has just finished pouring my sidewalks.  Yeah!!!!  I will never take not having side walks again for granted.  Wonderful invention, concrete.  Maybe I can keep my floors clean of dirt. With kids, my floors will never be clean.

The Bulldozer

     Even with the grief, my life still has humor.  If you are anything like me, Phil did the majority of the outside chores around our house.  I did my share of the mowing, but he did just about everything else.  He was also handy at operating just about any piece of machinery.  I am not sure why men love bulldozers, but my husband and father had gone in together to purchase one for them both to use last year.  We have 63 acres and my parents have over 100 acres, so we definitely had some plans for it.   A few weeks ago,  I had some driveway material delivered and needed it spread around.  When I need something outside done, I usually call on my brother-in-law.  He said he could come later in the week to spread it for me.
     Being the impatient person that I am, and seeing that the bulldozer is at my house, I decided to go out and see if I could figure out how to operate it.  I put my 5 year old down for a nap, and gave instructions to my daughter to stay inside, and I went out with my ear plugs in hand.  I decided to say a quick prayer, and also requested some of Phil's skills at equipment operating.  I sat up there and looked at all of the symbols.  Pretty self explanatory, so I started it up.  There is a safety belt on equipment, and I decided not to strap myself in just in case I needed to bale.  I backed it up and started spreading.  I didn't want to go very fast.  To my surprise, it worked out.  I looked over in my back yard to see my daughter in disbelief and recording me with my phone.  Before I finished, she had sent the video to my brother-in-law and numerous other people.  He ended up calling me after I got back into the house, to ask what i was up to.  He did end up coming over and finishing up, but now I know how to operate a bulldozer.  Phil would be proud!  I have some other projects I am working on getting around to doing, but I am afraid my dad is going to move it to his house to keep me from doing anything else.

My Strong Tower

     In any book you pick up about grief, anniversaries and holidays can be the hardest days.  Father's day turned out being a difficult day after all.  I did good through church and into the evening.  Then, without any notice, the tears began.  It's hard to swallow the fact that my kids will never have their Father again.  I know it is good to cry, and I did feel much better.  I have found that my hardest days of grief, are the days that I do not spend my needed time with the Lord.  Even if it is a study, or just reading the word, that keeps my mind focused on heavenly things and not worldly.  I have complete confidence that I will get through this time with God's help.  Proverbs 10:18,  "The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe."  I read Joyce Meyer's book "You Can Begin Again", and one thing she writes is that you didn't see this coming, but God did.  Remember Psalm 68:5.  "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling."  It gives me strength to know I am not going through this without my Heavenly Father.

The Butterfly

     I wanted to explain the significance the butterfly has had on my life since my husband's death.  Just a few hours before we lost Phil, my daughter had come to see me carrying a beautiful butterfly bird feeder.  She had purchased it to cheer me up.  I loved it!  Once we were able to finally get settled into our house, several weeks later, I hung it up in the living room.  It was much too pretty to let the birds have it.  I somehow felt like it had a significant meaning, so I looked it up.  The Christian meaning is that a butterfly symbolizes resurrection.  It disappears into a cocoon and appears dead, but emerges later more powerful and beautiful than before.  I thought about Phil and how weak and horrible he looked before he died.  Just moments before he took his last breath, he smiled and looked so peaceful.  I knew at that moment, he was with his Heavenly Father.  1 Corinthians 15: 42-44 says, "So will it be with the resurrection of the dead.  The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness; it is raised in power; it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body.
     I cannot tell you how many butterflies I have seen this spring.  Every time I am outside mowing or just feeling sorry for myself, I see one fluttering around.  I think about Phil and smile at how happy he must be.  One day, while I was desperately trying to put on my wedding ring without crying, I thought about the butterfly and had an idea.  Since rings were Phil's special gifts to me over the years, I was just going to have to put my rings up and go buy a new one.  Guess what,  I found a butterfly ring.  I bought the ring for me and some matching earrings for my daughter.  I wear this ring all the time in place of my wedding ring.  Now when I look at my hand, it doesn't sadden me.  I feel encouraged to keep striving to move forward.

Father's Day

    Today is the first Father's Day since I lost my husband.  I had several people asking me this past week what I was going to do today.  I wanted to hide my head under my pillow and never get out of bed.  Unfortunately, with small children that is not an option.  I decided to face my fears and go to church.  If it wasn't this Father's Day, then I would have to face it next year.  I did really good, until my children were dismissed to Children's Church.  Our Pastor began to talk about Fathers and went into several stories.  I felt it getting harder and harder to swallow.  I could also feel my eyes getting blurry.  I thought to myself, no, I am not going to cry today.  I prayed that God would help me get through this service or I was going to have to leave.  All of the sudden, I felt like there were many people sitting next to me.  The pew was empty next to me in this world, but I know that Angels were sitting there beside me.  I could feel the Holy Spirit surrounding me, and I made it through the service without one tear.  I felt overjoyed!!
     The day isn't over yet, but I have a renewed strength.  I did talk with my children on the ride to church this morning.  I wanted them to remember that even though they didn't have a physical earthly Father anymore, they had a heavenly Father who will fill our void.  Psalms 68:5 says, "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling."  Please rely on God during the difficult holidays.  I know He is and will continue to help me with the rest of today.

Intro to Crazy

     I wanted to go back in time a few months to share what has happened in my life over the past 5 months since my husband's death.  It's been crazy!  A few weeks after the funeral and the "gut kick in the stomach" eased a little, it was time to pick up our puppy.  Yes, I said puppy.  What was I thinking, you ask?  My husband, Phil had purchased an Australian Shepherd puppy for our children at Christmas.  He was just a baby and not ready to pick up until after the funeral.  So I loaded my kids and Mom up in my car, and drove 3.5 hours in a threatening snow storm, to pick up Stetson.  I figured this distraction was just what my kids needed.  As most of you know, a puppy is basically like having another kid.  To save time, I will only tell one of the many destructive stories.  One such day, I had come home from making a run to Sam's.  Unloading all of my goodies, and my package of nice new white socks dropped to the ground.  Stetson takes his chance, and grabs them running around the yard with his prized possession.  Not wanting a bunch of holes put in them, I run around screaming at him to put them down. I looked up to see why my kids were not helping me only to see them laughing at their mom's predicament.  Being the adult here, I looked up at the sky and yelled at Phil.  "This was supposed to be your dog, not mine.  I didn't even want another dog".  I finally caught the little rascal and retrieved my socks without harm.
     Another crazy time I screamed at the sky was trying to fix something in my house.  Moving into a brand new house, there were a few things that needed to be done.  I realized one job was cutting closet rods for my coat closet.  My Mom told me what I needed to get and I went out to my husband's stash of tools.  Now, my husband's hobby was building houses so his stash isn't normal.  I opened up my storage building to see a bunch of tools.  Which one did she tell me to get?  After looking for 10 minutes, I finally just got what I thought would cut the closet rod and walked back to the house.  Not without yelling at Phil again.  I was never able to enter his tool area because he was very picky and locked me out.  Probably due to the fact that I kind of put a screw driver back in the wrong place, but I didn't mark where it was and just put it in the general vicinity.   Gee!  Anyways, I looked up at the sky and held out the tool I had just retrieved and said, "I am sure this isn't the right tool for the job, but I have the keys and they are my tools now".  Unfortunately, my sister saw this go on, and looked at me very oddly as I came back into the house.  If she didn't think the grief of loosing Phil had made me loose my mind, she definitely knew I had now.  So, if you need to yell at the sky or get a little frustrated at times, it's ok,  just make sure you are alone.   It is difficult to go from having your set of jobs in a marriage, to doing both.  Believe me, I have done some things he probably would have shaken his head about.  Like using one of his nice paint brushes to stain my posts on the porch.  It dried frozen in place and I had to throw it out.  You learn by doing, right?  Stain doesn't come out of a brush by just using soap and water, at least this stain.  I also realized that I did know how to do more than I thought.  Even if you do not actually do the job with your spouse, just watching them gives you the knowledge to try it yourself.  I have prayed many times asking God to give me some of Phil's wisdom.  I even started up his bulldozer and used it for a job, but I will tell that story later.  Do not give up.  It is harder to get things accomplished, but slowly I am checking things off of my to do list.  One of Phil's favorite verses: Philippians 3:13-14 "…forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."