Just Slide

     During Thanksgiving holiday, my family took us to Oklahoma to go deer hunting.  The deer lease is in the middle of no where with absolutely no modern technology.  To get cell service, you have to travel almost 15 minutes down the road and it is still sketchy.  We arrived on Monday and by the time we unloaded the trailer that looked like the "Beverly Hillbillies", it was time for bed.  Everything was going fine until I had a difficult time Tuesday night.  I have never really had an anxiety, panicking fit over loosing my husband, but I had one this night.  I wanted to go home now, and my Mom did her best to console me.  I finally got tired of being so sad, and went to bed.
     As I went to sleep, I asked that God would somehow take all the pain away because I just couldn't deal with it anymore.  That night I had the most unusual dream.  I was back at my family's  lake lot and about to have some real fun, when I noticed this huge water slide two boathouses down.  I walked up to it and realized it was about three stories tall.  I thought what fun, and began to climb up.  By the time I had made my way to the top, I noticed writing where you sit your bottom down on the slide.  It was in my husband's handwriting and said, "You've made it this far, now slide!"  There was more writing below and as I started to read it, I noticed just how far up off the ground I was.  I became very scared and climbed back down the slide.
     The next morning, I ran downstairs to tell my Mom about the dream.  She was very excited and thought it had the best meaning.  I had made it a long way and I really needed to just keep on walking forward.  Wow!  I really hadn't thought about the meaning before I told her about the dream.  Phil was telling me (in a way) to move on living my life.  I felt like he was proud of me.  I give full credit to the Lord, because He knew I needed some encouragement from my husband.  After that day, I relaxed and had a great time.  I even let myself have some fun and played cards with my sisters and brother-in-laws.  I hadn't laughed that much in ages.  I just breezed through my first Thanksgiving without Phil and actually enjoyed it.  Isn't God wonderful!!

"Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; His greatness no one can fathom."  - Psalm 145:3

Christmas Light Hanging Experience

     Yesterday, my children finally begged me long enough to start hanging Christmas lights outside.  I have already experienced the "I just want to skip this year" holiday blues, so I guess I needed the extra push.  I have always enjoyed helping with the Christmas lights, but now I am the brains in behind it.  This is much harder than you think.  First, you have to figure out your location of the outside plugs and then arrange the lights so that they match up with those plugs.  I never considered the gutter clips being a challenge.  I hung almost one side of the house and then realized that I was hanging the clips backwards.  Up and down the ladder I went.  I finished about half of the house and was pooped and thank goodness it was almost dark.(perfect excuse to stop)  I went inside to rest and noticed my fingers were hurting.  I should have worn gloves.  (Where is the book on hanging Christmas lights?)
     The next day I finished up after fighting high winds and loosing the clip bag off the ladder multiple times.   I stepped back and our house looks like kids definitely live here.  Colored lights everywhere!  I don't think I will nominate my house for a light show tour, but for my first solo Christmas hanging experience, I would give myself a B+.  I was so excited for my Mom to see the finished product.  She came out to stay with us the night I finished, and I met her at the door smiling.  I asked her what she thought and she responded, "Well, it's kind of far off from the road…. but it looks good."  Not the response I was hoping for, but I guess it will do.  My house does sit a little off the road. I will add a picture soon.

God's Canvas

     This time of the year, I see beautiful sunsets from my front porch.  As I was driving down my driveway, I noticed something unusual about the sun.  I looked up and saw a double sun.  There was a reflection to the left of me in the clouds.  It was outstanding!  I stopped the truck and told my kids to look.  The first thing Spencer said was, "I think God is giving us a special gift to try and cheer us up since we are sad."  How my six year old can be so wise for his age.  I quickly thanked God for his spectacular gift.

     "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless." Psalm 84:11

Lucy

     I have heard about animals being great therapy for grief.  Our therapy animal is a black cat named Lucy.  To understand the miracle of Lucy, I must start at the beginning.  Lucy was found by my children at Phil's work around October 2013.  She was a young cat that had missed several meals.  My kids were outside in the back parking lot playing and she appeared.  She went straight up to them and became instant friends.  Phil was not a cat person, so immediately told the kids "no" before they had time to ask if they could keep her.  Knowing how much my Mom likes cats, I called her and begged for her to come rescue this little cat.  She cannot say no to strays, so she came and picked her up.
     Lucy became one of three cats at my parents farm.  She fit in perfectly and loved on everybody.  The week of Thanksgiving, my parents had gone out of town and I was taking care of the animals.  We only lived just a few miles away, so every afternoon I would load up the kids and go out to feed.  Lucy had not really figured out how dangerous cars could be, so we were always very careful backing out of the driveway.  Out of the blue, she darts in behind my car and I run over her.  It was awful to know and feel the bump.  My kids just went to pieces and I saw Lucy run up to the house very injured.  I just could not stand for my kids to see how badly hurt I thought she was, so I drove off and called Phil.  I was crying and explained what had happened and that he must come out here and probably bury her.  He agreed to come out and arrived about 30 minutes after it happened.  He found her in the garage and she seemed fine.  He said she was sore but appeared to be ok.  How?  All I can say is God spared that cat for the future.
     While Phil was so sick in the hospital, Lucy became the comfort that I could not give my kids.  I was about 2 hours away and could only talk with them rarely.  Lucy was constantly with them.  From sitting in their laps, to letting my kids dress her up in baby clothes.  My son's favorite past time with Lucy is wrapping her up and putting her into a box.  He then pulls her around my parent's house, sometimes running with her.  She just stays in her box and takes it.  Lucy has become their most favorite pet.  After a few days at our house, my kids start asking to go to the farm to see Lucy, not their grandparents.  She even sleeps with them when they spend the night.  I do think Lucy was hurt on that day at the farm.  I believe God healed her before Phil arrived out there.  I also believe that she was to be the kids comfort during this time of loss.  It's like God told Lucy exactly what she was to be to my kids. That probably sounds crazy, but I am so thankful for God's wonderful creation.  Even a little black cat named, Lucy.

Lucy sleeping with my son.

Transitions

     I haven't written in a while for several reasons.  I went through a period of grief that just didn't allow me to have words.  I am beginning to transition into being a single, stay at home mom.  It hasn't been easy and I have had many hard days.  I am somewhat seeing a pattern of normal.  We begin our days with school and I keep up with my household duties in the afternoon.  I am still trying to take care of paperwork and selling horses.  I was able to sell all the horses that I wanted to sell.  Huge check mark off my list.  I am trying my best to organize and move everything to my new house so that I am not scattered everywhere.  I am a scatter brain, but at least all of my stuff will be in one place.
     I still cannot figure out why God gave so much physical strength to men.  I have needed brute strength on a few projects and just cannot finish without help.  I absolutely hate to ask for help.  (I am hard headed.)  I am getting by with each day, except for my lawn mower being on the brink.  I have had a few words with that lawn mower.  Thankfully, our Texas weather is cooling and my grass is slowing down with growing and needing to be mowed once a week.  I am considering having a small barn put up for the two horses I am keeping.  My kiddos have been begging to learn to ride.  That is one thing that Phil and I liked together.  I keep putting it off, but hope to dust off my spurs and saddle and see how my mare, Kate, rides. I can't recall how long its been since she has been ridden.  I will probably need my riding helmet.
     One thing that is odd to me on this journey of grief, is how similar it is to a time in my past.  At 17, I lost my cousin in a car wreck who was like a brother.  How I hurt for his loss.  I remember staring out of my parents living room window at our back yard for what seemed like hours.  I have been staring out my window again.  This time my window, in my house, at my pasture.  I look at the place where I remember seeing Phil one of the last times before he became sick.  I told my mom that exactly one year after I lost my cousin, I met Phil.  God had placed Phil in my life at the very time I needed someone to help me move through my grief.  I know that God has placed many people in my path over these past 9 months.  God never ceases to amaze me at His all knowing power.

Celebrating Phil's Birthday

   Today was Phil's birthday and I tried to come up with something the kids would like to do to remember Daddy.  We have been vacationing in Colorado for almost two weeks, and decided to release balloons in Phil's favorite valley with special messages inside.  My in-laws, my parents, and my kids all picked our favorite color or Phil's favorite, and traveled out this morning.  It has been a beautiful day and the temperature was perfect. My kids absolutely loved it and didn't shed one tear.  We all stood in a circle and prayed.  Then counted to 35 since that was how old Phil would have been today, and released them.  We all stayed mesmerized as the balloons slowly rose too high for us to see with our naked eye. We have spent the whole day celebrating his life and having fun.  What makes this day so special is that every member of our immediate family got to join us.  My siblings and Phil's siblings all were able to release a balloon at their own homes, even though we live spread out from one side of the country to the other.  We are ending our celebration with birthday cake tonight.  Thank you to all our sweet family for taking pictures and honoring their crazy sister and sister-in-law's request.

The Skunk

     Living in the country, there are a few animals that I just do not want to come across.  One is snakes and the other is skunks.  I have been really fortunate this summer to have only seen one snake.  It was just time to see the skunk.  My brother-in-law had come over to pick up a big brush hog mower.  This one is so heavy, that he had to pick it up with a front end loader on the tractor.  As he picked it up, a skunk came out and moved his home into my tractor shed.  I came outside at this point and he yelled that I needed to pull my tractor out where the skunk would leave.  As soon as I began to drive my tractor out, the skunk sprayed underneath my mower where he was hiding.  He then moved over in the shed to in behind my RV.  Seriously, this is getting frustrating.
      Well, you guessed it.  I had to hook up my truck to the RV and pull it out.  My brother-in-law waited to see if the critter would finally leave.  I pulled the RV out and then the skunk moved over to in behind a couple of ladders.  Ok, I was mad by this point.  I told my brother-in-law to stand by as I go in behind the shed to make some loud noises.  This didn't make any difference in the skunk moving on to a different location.  I came into the shed and used a long piece of 2 by 4 and rammed it at him as my brother in law looked on in disbelief.  I was several feet from him, but then the skunk got upset and came right towards us.  That was all it took for me.  I turned and ran.  The skunk did leave the shed, but sprayed as he did.  Wow, it is one thing running over a skunk on the road with your car.  It's a whole other thing when you are that close to the smell.  I can tell you what, that stuff would make any enemy surrender and run.  Thankfully, the spray did not hit us.  That is the last skunk I want to see up close and personal.  My kids laughed and laughed at me.  I did feel like I was in a Bugs Bunny cartoon with Pepe Le Pew.  Sometimes you just have to laugh at some situations.  I don't know which is worse now.  The snake or skunk.  From here on out, I am praying to not see either one.