One Year Mark

     January 26, 2014 marked my first year mark since Phil passed away.  I kept myself extremely busy and managed to go through the day without mishaps.  I thought things would be fine until Wednesday. I had a really hard day that made me remember the time right after his death.  My heart had not ached like that for several months.  I think for some reason I expected things to magically be alright by the second year.  All of my major decisions figured out and life finally getting back to normal.  That's not happening!  It is still hard to realize that I am the sole decision maker in the family.  I think when you have two people making the decisions, you know even if it was one person's fault for the error, the couple shares the repercussions of the mistake.  Now it's just me.
     I struggle with being lonely and trying to decide if I should stay living in the country with so much land to care for.  I know that it was my dream as well as his to live on land, but it's hard when the sole care of the place is all on you.   I pray and pray about these struggles, but God just stays quiet.  I have decided to just stay put and keep listening for His guidance.  (It sure is hard at times.)  I cannot force His hand to move prematurely.
     One good thing is that I am about to have the much needed yard sale.  I finally can see through to the other side of my storage building.  I even was able to come across our photo box without too much pain.  Maybe I can finally put together the photo book for the kids of their favorite pictures with their Dad.  My one hiccup that I can't seem to sell is Phil's horses.  I have three that I just cannot find a new home for.  It will happen in time.  God is definitely teaching me patience throughout my journey.  It has never been one of my strong virtues.

      "Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord."  Psalm 27:14

                                                                         Phil and me

Little God Signs

     I am less than a week away from being the one year mark since my husband, Phil, went to be with the Lord.  I have to say that I am somewhat relieved to be coming up on a full 365 days.  It has been hard, and there were days when I thought I wasn't going to see another year, but I almost have made it.  I still would give anything to see him or get a "Phil hug", but I am so much closer to our Lord and Savior than I was a year ago.  God is giving me the much needed strength to get through this.  It is totally amazing to realize that even through the toughest possible loss, I am making it day by day and getting stronger.  Not to say my brain is back on the up and up, that might take a miracle.  (Not to mention my Mom reminded me there is dementia on both sides of my family.  I told her that was great, because with this loss and stress, I was bound to get it.)  All I can say is hopefully the Lord will come back before I truly go crazy!
     I have experienced some of the neatest God signs over my year.  Just when I think I am going to crater, I see something that encourages me.  For instance, the other day as I was about to turn into my driveway, about 10 cardinals flew right in front of my truck.  One of my most favorite God signs is my front door.  As we were building our house before Phil became sick, I found this door and had to have it.  This door was the one item that just grabbed my attention.  As I was moving into my new home after the funeral, I noticed why this door was so special.  I came into my living room and saw 3 brightly lit crosses on my wall.  The sun was shining through the window on my door lighting the design on the living room wall.  For the first time, I saw the 3 crosses.  It was like God was reminding me that He was there walking with me through my pain.  He knows what pain is, and I just needed to trust that He will take care of me.  Every time after that when I see the crosses, I just smile.

"If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me."

Matthew 16:24

Special Christmas Message

     This year, Christmas seemed to come and go fairly fast.  I thought this would be a day more painful than any other day so far, but it wasn't.  My kids did great and never shed one tear.  I caught my son praying in the truck Christmas Eve.  He didn't know that I could hear him over the radio.  He said, "Dear God, please tell my Daddy that I love him and wish he could come visit us".  Of course, I cried the rest of the way home.  Just turned up the radio and he never knew.  

     I went through Christmas day full of regular festivities and rocked on through till the evening.  Before I went to bed, I started praying about this whole year.  How I could use a word or something to help figure out and cope with my loss.  I opened my Bible to Jeremiah 29:11.  "For I know what I have planned for you, says the Lord.  I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you.  I have plans to give you a future filled with hope."  I love this verse, but I just needed more.  Then I felt like the Lord finally let me know why Phil died and was not healed.  If God had healed Phil, then He wouldn't have been able to touch as many lives as He did impact with calling Phil home.  I know Phil's death has touched many.  People prayed for him all over the world.  For many weeks and months after Phil's death, we would hear of amazing stories of the impact it had on people's lives.  I think realizing that you may not have tomorrow was one lesson many of our friends saw first hand.  A man in his thirties, in good health, can be taken in just three short weeks from the flu.  Calling one believer home, can impact and save many.  God would rather have saved many plus having Phil home, than healing Phil and loosing those souls.                         

     Also, the Lord showed me that sometimes He answers prayer to benefit best the 

loved one who is suffering.  Yes, He knew that I wanted Phil healed, but Phil was so sick and would have had disabilities.  Phil would not have been happy if he was not able to provide for his family.  He was a man of great strength and compassion for people.  He loved his family and especially his children.  A man who went on dates with his daughter, and would take his son on special outings just to see a smile.  He wanted to teach his kids how to be children of God.  He never met a stranger and always helped a friend in need.  Also, he knew how to do absolutely anything.  From changing a toilet out, leading someone to the Lord, riding a horse, building a house, and managing a business.  I never witnessed anything he didn't know how or figured out how to accomplish.  Knowing the happiness his work gave him, I feel certain that him not being able to accomplish those same goals would have broken his heart.  If his disabilities had taken his mobility, not holding his children would have broken his spirit.  

     After having this special time with the Lord, I felt my heart let go a heavy burden.  I knew finally that I had done everything possible and it wasn't my fault.  God had called Phil home and it didn't matter the circumstances or the doctors.  Nothing could have changed that or God's plans.  I am going to "Just Slide" and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Just Slide

     During Thanksgiving holiday, my family took us to Oklahoma to go deer hunting.  The deer lease is in the middle of no where with absolutely no modern technology.  To get cell service, you have to travel almost 15 minutes down the road and it is still sketchy.  We arrived on Monday and by the time we unloaded the trailer that looked like the "Beverly Hillbillies", it was time for bed.  Everything was going fine until I had a difficult time Tuesday night.  I have never really had an anxiety, panicking fit over loosing my husband, but I had one this night.  I wanted to go home now, and my Mom did her best to console me.  I finally got tired of being so sad, and went to bed.
     As I went to sleep, I asked that God would somehow take all the pain away because I just couldn't deal with it anymore.  That night I had the most unusual dream.  I was back at my family's  lake lot and about to have some real fun, when I noticed this huge water slide two boathouses down.  I walked up to it and realized it was about three stories tall.  I thought what fun, and began to climb up.  By the time I had made my way to the top, I noticed writing where you sit your bottom down on the slide.  It was in my husband's handwriting and said, "You've made it this far, now slide!"  There was more writing below and as I started to read it, I noticed just how far up off the ground I was.  I became very scared and climbed back down the slide.
     The next morning, I ran downstairs to tell my Mom about the dream.  She was very excited and thought it had the best meaning.  I had made it a long way and I really needed to just keep on walking forward.  Wow!  I really hadn't thought about the meaning before I told her about the dream.  Phil was telling me (in a way) to move on living my life.  I felt like he was proud of me.  I give full credit to the Lord, because He knew I needed some encouragement from my husband.  After that day, I relaxed and had a great time.  I even let myself have some fun and played cards with my sisters and brother-in-laws.  I hadn't laughed that much in ages.  I just breezed through my first Thanksgiving without Phil and actually enjoyed it.  Isn't God wonderful!!

"Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; His greatness no one can fathom."  - Psalm 145:3

Christmas Light Hanging Experience

     Yesterday, my children finally begged me long enough to start hanging Christmas lights outside.  I have already experienced the "I just want to skip this year" holiday blues, so I guess I needed the extra push.  I have always enjoyed helping with the Christmas lights, but now I am the brains in behind it.  This is much harder than you think.  First, you have to figure out your location of the outside plugs and then arrange the lights so that they match up with those plugs.  I never considered the gutter clips being a challenge.  I hung almost one side of the house and then realized that I was hanging the clips backwards.  Up and down the ladder I went.  I finished about half of the house and was pooped and thank goodness it was almost dark.(perfect excuse to stop)  I went inside to rest and noticed my fingers were hurting.  I should have worn gloves.  (Where is the book on hanging Christmas lights?)
     The next day I finished up after fighting high winds and loosing the clip bag off the ladder multiple times.   I stepped back and our house looks like kids definitely live here.  Colored lights everywhere!  I don't think I will nominate my house for a light show tour, but for my first solo Christmas hanging experience, I would give myself a B+.  I was so excited for my Mom to see the finished product.  She came out to stay with us the night I finished, and I met her at the door smiling.  I asked her what she thought and she responded, "Well, it's kind of far off from the road…. but it looks good."  Not the response I was hoping for, but I guess it will do.  My house does sit a little off the road. I will add a picture soon.

God's Canvas

     This time of the year, I see beautiful sunsets from my front porch.  As I was driving down my driveway, I noticed something unusual about the sun.  I looked up and saw a double sun.  There was a reflection to the left of me in the clouds.  It was outstanding!  I stopped the truck and told my kids to look.  The first thing Spencer said was, "I think God is giving us a special gift to try and cheer us up since we are sad."  How my six year old can be so wise for his age.  I quickly thanked God for his spectacular gift.

     "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless." Psalm 84:11

Lucy

     I have heard about animals being great therapy for grief.  Our therapy animal is a black cat named Lucy.  To understand the miracle of Lucy, I must start at the beginning.  Lucy was found by my children at Phil's work around October 2013.  She was a young cat that had missed several meals.  My kids were outside in the back parking lot playing and she appeared.  She went straight up to them and became instant friends.  Phil was not a cat person, so immediately told the kids "no" before they had time to ask if they could keep her.  Knowing how much my Mom likes cats, I called her and begged for her to come rescue this little cat.  She cannot say no to strays, so she came and picked her up.
     Lucy became one of three cats at my parents farm.  She fit in perfectly and loved on everybody.  The week of Thanksgiving, my parents had gone out of town and I was taking care of the animals.  We only lived just a few miles away, so every afternoon I would load up the kids and go out to feed.  Lucy had not really figured out how dangerous cars could be, so we were always very careful backing out of the driveway.  Out of the blue, she darts in behind my car and I run over her.  It was awful to know and feel the bump.  My kids just went to pieces and I saw Lucy run up to the house very injured.  I just could not stand for my kids to see how badly hurt I thought she was, so I drove off and called Phil.  I was crying and explained what had happened and that he must come out here and probably bury her.  He agreed to come out and arrived about 30 minutes after it happened.  He found her in the garage and she seemed fine.  He said she was sore but appeared to be ok.  How?  All I can say is God spared that cat for the future.
     While Phil was so sick in the hospital, Lucy became the comfort that I could not give my kids.  I was about 2 hours away and could only talk with them rarely.  Lucy was constantly with them.  From sitting in their laps, to letting my kids dress her up in baby clothes.  My son's favorite past time with Lucy is wrapping her up and putting her into a box.  He then pulls her around my parent's house, sometimes running with her.  She just stays in her box and takes it.  Lucy has become their most favorite pet.  After a few days at our house, my kids start asking to go to the farm to see Lucy, not their grandparents.  She even sleeps with them when they spend the night.  I do think Lucy was hurt on that day at the farm.  I believe God healed her before Phil arrived out there.  I also believe that she was to be the kids comfort during this time of loss.  It's like God told Lucy exactly what she was to be to my kids. That probably sounds crazy, but I am so thankful for God's wonderful creation.  Even a little black cat named, Lucy.

Lucy sleeping with my son.