Open Your Eyes

     I  have just started a Bible study over the book "Lies Women Believe" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.  The first chapter has been truly eye opening for me.  I have been going through a lot of uncertainty and depression over how my life has turned out.  When you get used to life the way it was for so long, and then it completely changes, it really takes some getting used to.  I love my children and enjoy the laughter they bring to my life, but felt so lonely once they were in bed.  I have realized my pain and loneliness is only the Devil trying to get at me.  Yes, my life has changed drastically, but it's not over.  I have found a peace with life.  It may not be what I had dreamed of, but I have a good life.  Two wonderful kids, great parents, loving sisters and brother-in-laws, awesome friends, a church that loves us,  much better than I deserve.  God has provided and all I have been doing is feeling so sorry for what I didn't have.
     I also have decided to try and give light into other lives.  It may be just a smile, but I need to be about my Father's business.  I don't know how long before He comes, but I want to give back to those in need of a few blessings.  Death does not have to be the end.  Those living can make it what you choose.  If you want to be a sad, depressed, hurt individuals the rest of your life, then get ready to be alone.  Who wants to be with a person that hates life?  I want my kids to remember their childhood with fondness.  Their mom was awesome and had a bunch of fun.  Not that their mom closed up into a shell after their dad passed away.  I choose to teach them about tent camping.  (one of Phil's favorite activities)  Not necessarily my favorite, but Phil would only take us when it was too cold to be pleasant.    I want them to know how to do things in the woods.  How to start fires with kindling.  I may be goggling a bunch of things, but here goes nothing.  I have opened my eyes!

           
                               
               
                "Open my eyes so I can examine the wonders of your Instruction." - Psalm 199:18
   

Time to Laugh and Dance

     The past few weeks have been busy for my family.  We have had several winter storms and we went to Mississippi to visit my sister, Dawn.  She informed us that her and her husband were expecting twins.  Our family is very excited for blessed news times two!  My daughter is just beside herself with excitement and would move in with my sister if I would let her.  Our very first cousins on my side of the family, so I can see why Anna is ecstatic.
     I have been reading a lot of Christian romance novels lately and watching Hallmark.  I probably should cut it out, since it usually makes me miss Phil.  One movie I watched had a very good quote that made me really think.  The quote was, "If you live long enough, and lose enough people, you learn to appreciate the memories you have and stop begrudging the ones you never got to make."  I have been struggling with memories that I will not have with Phil.  Feeling sorry for my kids and the time they didn't get to have with their Dad.  Our families' memories are really great and we had some of the best ones right before we lost Phil.  I didn't know that God could talk through a movie to me until that night.  I feel so much like a kid in those moments when I realize that I should have known that.
     Hopefully we will begin having more spring like weather and I will be able to start preparing for  our garden.  I have several spring projects around the house and will try and remember to take some pictures.  I have been reading Ecclesiastes and remembered a passage that just touches me every time I hear it.   I pray that my time to laugh and dance comes soon.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8:  " There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:  A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear down and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."

Valentine's Day

     Since I do not have a special someone for Valentine's Day, I thought I would send out my love to family and friends.  I do love chocolate, so tomorrow will not be too bad.  At least there are good sales on it in the stores.  I am thankful this Valentine's Day for actually being aware of it this year.  This time a year ago,  I just really do not remember the month of February.  I guess since Phil had passed away in January, I was still in shock.  My daughter, my little brain, told me what we did last year.  We had asked a couple of close friends and their kids over to play.  The kids loved it because they all played on this huge dirt pile next to my house.  (Which is still there)  They all got so filthy dirty that I was sweeping dirt up for a week.  Why do I feel the need to ever spend money on my children?   Just keep the dirt pile and my kids are happy.  (If you know of anyone who needs some dirt, let me know.)
     I think I finally woke up last year after the trees had finished putting their leaves on for spring.  That happens to be one of my favorite times of the year and I thank God I can enjoy it this year.  It is amazing to me how He can work and protect you through grief.  I know without a shadow of a doubt, I needed that time where I was in shock to heal.  I have people ask me all the time about how the kids are doing.  Thankfully, they are doing great.  I look at them today and they are the most happy lovable kids.  Spencer sings all day some stupid little song he heard off Bonanza, while driving me insane popping his cap guns as he pretends to be the Lone Ranger.  Anna is still as sweet and helpful as she always has been.  She has become a superb little cook.  From cookies, pies, biscuits, she is always baking.  She is definitely taking on her Daddy's baking talents.  I look at her and often think she is more of the Mom than I am.  I will never understand the reason Phil had to leave us so soon, but I feel truly in awe at how God is fixing us back to a normal little family.  We really do serve an awesome and capable God!  I pray you all feel the love I feel in my heart for our heavenly Father tomorrow.

                                                               Happy Valentine's Day!

Be Still

     I used to wonder why my Mom never sat down and just chilled.  That was before I was a Mom.  Sometimes it can be exhausting and I have a whole new appreciation for single Moms.  It's hard!  Last week I had the feeling sorry for myself blues.  Let's be honest, I have had the blues for a while now.  I started to question my decision of homeschooling my kids.  My son has been extremely difficult lately.  I really think it is just his age, but I finally had to put my foot down and he has been much better after is little attitude readjustment.  I have been definitely praying a bunch about decisions I feel like should be made this year.  It is so funny how God can slap your face with something and you realize how much of a kid you have been acting.  Sounding familiar?
     Sometimes we just need to step back and be still.  Get to a quiet place and really relax.  Talk to our heavenly Father.  It may be only 5 minutes  before something interrupts you, but try it.  I put pressure on myself, not any one person or thing doing it.  I just need to learn how to let God take His time in my life.  It may not be the right moment for these decisions.  One thing for sure is I am going to keep homeschooling.  I have a teaching degree and have always enjoyed it.  My kids love it and I even have a school house.  I am going to take it year by year and pray before each school year.  Someday, God may lay it upon my heart to do something else, but I just have to keep stepping one foot in front of the other.  Satan sure knows how to get into your head and make you think you can't do something.  Yes, raising kids is hard without your spouse, but this is the season I am in right now and I am going to rejoice through the tears.

               

                                                Cottonwood Lake near Buena Vista, CO.
                                             Mountains help me feel calm and realize the
                                                 glory of His creation.  Pretty awesome.

                    "It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." Lamentations 3:26

Animal Update

     I thought it was time to add some comic relief to my blog.  As many of you already know, I have a year old Australian Shepherd, Stetson, and my Mom's black cat, Lucy.  When we go over to Mom and Dad's house (Gigi and Pawpaw), we always take Stetson where he can play with my sister's pit bull, Patch.  (Really so I can wear him out so he won't chew up so many things at my house:)  Anyways, his new favorite past time is attacking my Mom's back yard bird feeder.  To show you the extent of my dog's intellectual being, he hides in her bushes waiting for the beautiful little birds to come to the feeder.    Once a good number of non-suspecting targets are on the ground below the feeder, out jumps this big dog running in for the attack.  Of course the birds see him coming a mile away, and fly up into the safety of the tree.  Then just because of all the effort, Stetson looks up in the tree and barks for 5 minutes.  This goes on for hours.......and hours.........
     Another one of his favorite activities is taking off the faucet cover.  I have one outdoor faucet that he can get to on my house that I have tried to keep covered during the cold nights.  It doesn't matter what I put on it, towels, an actual faucet cover, and a plastic pipe covering, off it comes and within seconds is buried out behind my school house.  Yes, he is one and yes, he should be outgrowing this type of behavior.  Grrrrr.....  I tell you if Phil had not given this dog to our children, he would be for sale in a heart beat.  Don't get me wrong, I love dogs, but this one is trying my patience.  I keep telling myself that he will grow out of this as I write this post and he is outside chasing birds.
     Now as for Lucy, she is the most spoiled rotten cat ever.  She sees my truck coming down the driveway and meets my kids at the door to come in the house and be held.  Her most favorite past time is napping and napping.  This winter she has gained at least 5 pounds.  We will have to put her on a diet in the spring.  

Lucy acting like she doesn't notice Stetson.

Stetson begging to come into the school house.  This is his sweet face, and it didn't work.

One Year Mark

     January 26, 2014 marked my first year mark since Phil passed away.  I kept myself extremely busy and managed to go through the day without mishaps.  I thought things would be fine until Wednesday. I had a really hard day that made me remember the time right after his death.  My heart had not ached like that for several months.  I think for some reason I expected things to magically be alright by the second year.  All of my major decisions figured out and life finally getting back to normal.  That's not happening!  It is still hard to realize that I am the sole decision maker in the family.  I think when you have two people making the decisions, you know even if it was one person's fault for the error, the couple shares the repercussions of the mistake.  Now it's just me.
     I struggle with being lonely and trying to decide if I should stay living in the country with so much land to care for.  I know that it was my dream as well as his to live on land, but it's hard when the sole care of the place is all on you.   I pray and pray about these struggles, but God just stays quiet.  I have decided to just stay put and keep listening for His guidance.  (It sure is hard at times.)  I cannot force His hand to move prematurely.
     One good thing is that I am about to have the much needed yard sale.  I finally can see through to the other side of my storage building.  I even was able to come across our photo box without too much pain.  Maybe I can finally put together the photo book for the kids of their favorite pictures with their Dad.  My one hiccup that I can't seem to sell is Phil's horses.  I have three that I just cannot find a new home for.  It will happen in time.  God is definitely teaching me patience throughout my journey.  It has never been one of my strong virtues.

      "Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord."  Psalm 27:14

                                                                         Phil and me

Little God Signs

     I am less than a week away from being the one year mark since my husband, Phil, went to be with the Lord.  I have to say that I am somewhat relieved to be coming up on a full 365 days.  It has been hard, and there were days when I thought I wasn't going to see another year, but I almost have made it.  I still would give anything to see him or get a "Phil hug", but I am so much closer to our Lord and Savior than I was a year ago.  God is giving me the much needed strength to get through this.  It is totally amazing to realize that even through the toughest possible loss, I am making it day by day and getting stronger.  Not to say my brain is back on the up and up, that might take a miracle.  (Not to mention my Mom reminded me there is dementia on both sides of my family.  I told her that was great, because with this loss and stress, I was bound to get it.)  All I can say is hopefully the Lord will come back before I truly go crazy!
     I have experienced some of the neatest God signs over my year.  Just when I think I am going to crater, I see something that encourages me.  For instance, the other day as I was about to turn into my driveway, about 10 cardinals flew right in front of my truck.  One of my most favorite God signs is my front door.  As we were building our house before Phil became sick, I found this door and had to have it.  This door was the one item that just grabbed my attention.  As I was moving into my new home after the funeral, I noticed why this door was so special.  I came into my living room and saw 3 brightly lit crosses on my wall.  The sun was shining through the window on my door lighting the design on the living room wall.  For the first time, I saw the 3 crosses.  It was like God was reminding me that He was there walking with me through my pain.  He knows what pain is, and I just needed to trust that He will take care of me.  Every time after that when I see the crosses, I just smile.

"If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me."

Matthew 16:24