My Wedding Anniversary

     No matter how much time goes by, you still have those special dates that bring sadness.  My wedding anniversary is on Wednesday, August 12th.  We would have been married 15 years.  The could have been future plans still go through my mind at times.  The other day I was going though an old box of things and came across a huge stack of cards.  You guessed it, special cards from Phil.  (I tend to keep cards from everything).  I had to go through them and try to weed the stack to a more manageable amount to keep.  Wow, how the memories came back.  I even kept from shedding one tear.   I came across a poem Phil had written in our college English class.  I had been so proud that day because he had actually stayed awake and listened in class.  (Should have known better).  Phil had been diligently writing a poem for me.  After class he gave it to me and I still have it.  Instead of focusing on the time I didn't get to have on my anniversary, I am going to try and be thankful for the time I did have.  I sure have two amazing kids who are the best part of both of us.

Girl Time

      Recently, I had the chance to spend some quality time with my daughter, Anna.  She has always struggled more than her younger brother with missing her Dad.  Phil would always take her out on dates.  He would even dress up and she would wear her favorite Sunday dress.  I know she has missed those special evenings out.  We went shopping and even went to the spa, where she laughed hysterical at me having my eyebrows and lip waxed.  To top off her day out, she was able to see a friend's new puppy.  Spencer will be next as soon as I figure out where to take him.  Since they always have to share my attention, I think it really helps to have that one on one time.  Plus,  it's nice to be able to concentrate on just one.  Anna smiled more that day than I have seen in a while, and I got the best hug.  Best girl day ever!

     

"JOY" - Just Overcome You

     A few mornings ago, the birds woke me up singing.  I looked at the clock and it was still early, so I snuggled back in the covers for a few more minutes.  I am not much of an early morning person.  I usually get up around 7, and it usually takes me at least my morning cup of coffee to be alive enough for my brain to function.  This morning waking up at 6, and then this coming through my head, I knew was the Holy Spirit.  The day before I had one of those frustrating days.  Nothing went right, the kids were arguing about anything and everything, I was having a "I just want to go back to bed day".  I even told my Mom, " I need to take off for about 20 days".  (Like that would ever happen.) 

     I hate it when The Lord answers me and it feels like I got a slap in the face.  The word "Joy" came into my mind.  My joy had been robbed the day before because I let it.  Nobody else was at fault, but me.  I needed to get my joy back, or "Just Overcome You".  He was so right, and how I needed this.  I have found that when I start letting my mind complain to myself, it just grows and grows until my day is shot and I am so unhappy.  I snap at the kids and just want to hide out away from life.  I want my days to be filled to the max and to hear my kids laugh.  I must live out my life filled with as much happiness as I can fit into the week.  I just desire to be the woman God has called me to be and the best mother.  Please don't let "you" rob your joy.

Psalm 95:1 - " Come, let us sing for joy to The Lord; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation."

A New Calmness

      I don't know why my best thinking time always happens in my truck between my house and my parents.  Maybe because my kids are being somewhat quiet listening to their favorite Christian music, or because there is road work on my route.  Here lately it has added an extra 15 minutes of sitting still and waiting on the little pilot car to take you through the construction.  Whatever the reason, a little over a month ago it finally hit me.  Calmness.  I felt normal again.  Not just normal but I was enjoying my day.  I noticed my laughter was coming back, and I had actually gone a day or two without remembering my loss.

     For a brief second I thought this isn't right.  How can it be there one day so strongly and not the next?  What have I done differently?  Then, it was like I just knew the answer.  I had been praying for this for such a long time.  I wanted to feel like myself again and not hurt like this anymore.  God had answered my prayer.  Why had I ever doubted He would?  I guess this hurt was so great, I had somewhat thought it would never truly go away.  Yes, I still have sad moments and miss my husband and friend, but I really feel like life is finally looking up.  Now I smile and I mean it. 

Philippians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

                                                    

                   My sister's dog, Patch, enjoying the day and closing his eyes because of the breeze.  

                   

God Equips You

     The past few months have brought lots of rain here in Texas.  I can't remember the last time I have seen so much water.  The only problem I have had at my place is huge pot holes in my driveway.  During all the rain, I decided to build a horse barn the first of May ( oh, well).  I am so excited to finally finish this so I can move all of my things out of storage and have them at one location.  Maybe by the end of this year, I will be organized.  I can at least hope:)
     I have had an increased amount of yard work with all this rainfall, and seem to spend at least a whole day mowing and weed eating.  The other day during weed eating, I thought about how I am blessed.  Not to be weed eating, but blessed to know how to do the jobs I have to do being alone.  I always told God since loosing Phil, that he needed to have given me about a six month notice to let Phil teach me some more things.  I realized I know how to accomplish anything I need to do.  I can operate and grease the tractor, do minor repairs on my zero turn mower, blower, and weed eater.  I can fix things in the house, and have come to love WD-40.  I can paint, fix fence, put up electric fence, even shave my dog to save money (that was a huge undertaking that I wouldn't advise).  The best thing is with technology, I can "You Tube" or "Google" instructions on anything.  God did give me the knowledge I needed to get through this time.  I don't know why that came as such as shock for me, but I am moving forward.
     I still have my lonely times, like today, but have come to the conclusion to embrace this time.  I just recently returned from a quick trip with a friend, which gave me some much needed confidence.  This trip showed me that I can travel without a husband.  With GPS, I can go anywhere I need to go.  Upon returning home, I finally had the epiphany that I am going to be happy during this time of my life.  No, it is not what I wanted, dreamed of, or thought would ever happen.  If God would have asked me, I would have told Him that I wasn't strong enough for this.  Being the Creator of me, He knew I was.  He was well aware that I could make it through these days with Him.  If God has the confidence in me to do this, then I will have it too.  I want to enjoy my kids during this time, and have some fun.  They are growing so quickly, and I have to grow too.  Grow in strength, understanding, and motivation to step out and move on without Phil.  I will always love him and miss him, but I have to do this without him and raise our children how we wanted.  Raising them strong in the Lord and teach them as much as I possibly can, before I embarrass them and they don't want me around:)


Philippians 3:13-14: "Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

"The carefree life of my dog"

Yard Work Blues

     Lately, I have had the yard work blues.  With Spring, grows an  abundance of weeds.  Dandelions are taking over my yard!  To make things worse, my handy dandy, never ever breaks 10 year old snapper, decided to have issues.  Then,  I got my brand new zero turn mower stuck in the ditch right next to the road.  Not wanting to get embarrassed and attract any attention with the passing cars, I ran back up to the house to call my brother-in-law. (I know he must wish he can just push ignore when I call)  He came out and picked up the front and had it out in less than a minute.  I felt totally frustrated and helpless.  My two hour normal yard work took all day.  I just wanted to give up, go inside, and sit in my recliner and eat some chocolate.  I also seriously thought about buying some goats.
     After about a week of a sorry attitude, God got my attention.  I had begun to fell sorry for myself and this endless situation I am in.  I miss Phil and having someone to count on and ask questions.  After almost 15 months I thought I would have things down.  I am the hardest on myself.  I pick apart my lack of knowledge and make myself feel down about my disorganized self.  All of the sudden I realized that I was disorganized before Phil passed.  Instead of counting on a husband, I must start counting on my Lord and Savior.  I find that when I have a problem I cannot figure out, He always sends the answer.  I am concentrating on the happiness my children bring me.  This past Sunday, both kids were baptized.  The best part was that Phil was able to lead them to the Lord.  I feel so blessed to know he was able to hear their sweet prayers asking Jesus to come into their hearts.

  "For your husband is your Maker, Whose name is the Lord of hosts; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel, Who is called the God of all the earth."  Isaiah 54:5
   

Open Your Eyes

     I  have just started a Bible study over the book "Lies Women Believe" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.  The first chapter has been truly eye opening for me.  I have been going through a lot of uncertainty and depression over how my life has turned out.  When you get used to life the way it was for so long, and then it completely changes, it really takes some getting used to.  I love my children and enjoy the laughter they bring to my life, but felt so lonely once they were in bed.  I have realized my pain and loneliness is only the Devil trying to get at me.  Yes, my life has changed drastically, but it's not over.  I have found a peace with life.  It may not be what I had dreamed of, but I have a good life.  Two wonderful kids, great parents, loving sisters and brother-in-laws, awesome friends, a church that loves us,  much better than I deserve.  God has provided and all I have been doing is feeling so sorry for what I didn't have.
     I also have decided to try and give light into other lives.  It may be just a smile, but I need to be about my Father's business.  I don't know how long before He comes, but I want to give back to those in need of a few blessings.  Death does not have to be the end.  Those living can make it what you choose.  If you want to be a sad, depressed, hurt individuals the rest of your life, then get ready to be alone.  Who wants to be with a person that hates life?  I want my kids to remember their childhood with fondness.  Their mom was awesome and had a bunch of fun.  Not that their mom closed up into a shell after their dad passed away.  I choose to teach them about tent camping.  (one of Phil's favorite activities)  Not necessarily my favorite, but Phil would only take us when it was too cold to be pleasant.    I want them to know how to do things in the woods.  How to start fires with kindling.  I may be goggling a bunch of things, but here goes nothing.  I have opened my eyes!

           
                               
               
                "Open my eyes so I can examine the wonders of your Instruction." - Psalm 199:18