One Year Mark

     January 26, 2014 marked my first year mark since Phil passed away.  I kept myself extremely busy and managed to go through the day without mishaps.  I thought things would be fine until Wednesday. I had a really hard day that made me remember the time right after his death.  My heart had not ached like that for several months.  I think for some reason I expected things to magically be alright by the second year.  All of my major decisions figured out and life finally getting back to normal.  That's not happening!  It is still hard to realize that I am the sole decision maker in the family.  I think when you have two people making the decisions, you know even if it was one person's fault for the error, the couple shares the repercussions of the mistake.  Now it's just me.
     I struggle with being lonely and trying to decide if I should stay living in the country with so much land to care for.  I know that it was my dream as well as his to live on land, but it's hard when the sole care of the place is all on you.   I pray and pray about these struggles, but God just stays quiet.  I have decided to just stay put and keep listening for His guidance.  (It sure is hard at times.)  I cannot force His hand to move prematurely.
     One good thing is that I am about to have the much needed yard sale.  I finally can see through to the other side of my storage building.  I even was able to come across our photo box without too much pain.  Maybe I can finally put together the photo book for the kids of their favorite pictures with their Dad.  My one hiccup that I can't seem to sell is Phil's horses.  I have three that I just cannot find a new home for.  It will happen in time.  God is definitely teaching me patience throughout my journey.  It has never been one of my strong virtues.

      "Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord."  Psalm 27:14

                                                                         Phil and me

Little God Signs

     I am less than a week away from being the one year mark since my husband, Phil, went to be with the Lord.  I have to say that I am somewhat relieved to be coming up on a full 365 days.  It has been hard, and there were days when I thought I wasn't going to see another year, but I almost have made it.  I still would give anything to see him or get a "Phil hug", but I am so much closer to our Lord and Savior than I was a year ago.  God is giving me the much needed strength to get through this.  It is totally amazing to realize that even through the toughest possible loss, I am making it day by day and getting stronger.  Not to say my brain is back on the up and up, that might take a miracle.  (Not to mention my Mom reminded me there is dementia on both sides of my family.  I told her that was great, because with this loss and stress, I was bound to get it.)  All I can say is hopefully the Lord will come back before I truly go crazy!
     I have experienced some of the neatest God signs over my year.  Just when I think I am going to crater, I see something that encourages me.  For instance, the other day as I was about to turn into my driveway, about 10 cardinals flew right in front of my truck.  One of my most favorite God signs is my front door.  As we were building our house before Phil became sick, I found this door and had to have it.  This door was the one item that just grabbed my attention.  As I was moving into my new home after the funeral, I noticed why this door was so special.  I came into my living room and saw 3 brightly lit crosses on my wall.  The sun was shining through the window on my door lighting the design on the living room wall.  For the first time, I saw the 3 crosses.  It was like God was reminding me that He was there walking with me through my pain.  He knows what pain is, and I just needed to trust that He will take care of me.  Every time after that when I see the crosses, I just smile.

"If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me."

Matthew 16:24

Special Christmas Message

     This year, Christmas seemed to come and go fairly fast.  I thought this would be a day more painful than any other day so far, but it wasn't.  My kids did great and never shed one tear.  I caught my son praying in the truck Christmas Eve.  He didn't know that I could hear him over the radio.  He said, "Dear God, please tell my Daddy that I love him and wish he could come visit us".  Of course, I cried the rest of the way home.  Just turned up the radio and he never knew.  

     I went through Christmas day full of regular festivities and rocked on through till the evening.  Before I went to bed, I started praying about this whole year.  How I could use a word or something to help figure out and cope with my loss.  I opened my Bible to Jeremiah 29:11.  "For I know what I have planned for you, says the Lord.  I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you.  I have plans to give you a future filled with hope."  I love this verse, but I just needed more.  Then I felt like the Lord finally let me know why Phil died and was not healed.  If God had healed Phil, then He wouldn't have been able to touch as many lives as He did impact with calling Phil home.  I know Phil's death has touched many.  People prayed for him all over the world.  For many weeks and months after Phil's death, we would hear of amazing stories of the impact it had on people's lives.  I think realizing that you may not have tomorrow was one lesson many of our friends saw first hand.  A man in his thirties, in good health, can be taken in just three short weeks from the flu.  Calling one believer home, can impact and save many.  God would rather have saved many plus having Phil home, than healing Phil and loosing those souls.                         

     Also, the Lord showed me that sometimes He answers prayer to benefit best the 

loved one who is suffering.  Yes, He knew that I wanted Phil healed, but Phil was so sick and would have had disabilities.  Phil would not have been happy if he was not able to provide for his family.  He was a man of great strength and compassion for people.  He loved his family and especially his children.  A man who went on dates with his daughter, and would take his son on special outings just to see a smile.  He wanted to teach his kids how to be children of God.  He never met a stranger and always helped a friend in need.  Also, he knew how to do absolutely anything.  From changing a toilet out, leading someone to the Lord, riding a horse, building a house, and managing a business.  I never witnessed anything he didn't know how or figured out how to accomplish.  Knowing the happiness his work gave him, I feel certain that him not being able to accomplish those same goals would have broken his heart.  If his disabilities had taken his mobility, not holding his children would have broken his spirit.  

     After having this special time with the Lord, I felt my heart let go a heavy burden.  I knew finally that I had done everything possible and it wasn't my fault.  God had called Phil home and it didn't matter the circumstances or the doctors.  Nothing could have changed that or God's plans.  I am going to "Just Slide" and keep putting one foot in front of the other.