The One and Only

     Lately, I tend to miss Phil the most when a task becomes too difficult for me to do by myself.  It always seems like yard work brings about the most frustrations.  My trusty riding lawn mower has been with me for over 12 years.  I have been babying a tire that is usually low every time I need to use it.  Well, this week it took 5 times of airing up before I finished my yard.  I even was carrying the air pump on the lawn mower with me for the convenience of airing up at the closest plug.  This week I also finally ran both weed eaters out of string.  Phil didn't teach me about string.  Did you know there are different sizes?  I learned that the hard way, after looking at my local hardware store for many minutes before finding help.  Times like these, I tend to pray for God to send some nice handy man that understands lawn equipment.  Or sometimes I pray God, if you could just send someone to help dig post holes.  The list of my projects are endless.  I know He is hearing my prayers, but sometimes I need a physical body.  Hello???
     I was corrected this week about that very thought.  The Lord placed it on my heart that He is all that I need.  I go through the panicky stages of crying out for help, being alone, and not knowing how to accomplish the easiest of tasks my husband did.  Psalm 121:1-2, "I lift up my eyes to the hills where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."  Sometimes my idea of timely getting to my prayer request and the Lord's idea are totally different.  This very week one of my prayers that I have been seeking help about, finally was checked off the to do list.  I have been trying to find a concrete man to pour a couple of sidewalks around my house.  I called many numbers, met with two men about the job, and just couldn't find the right one.  A friend at church suggested a guy that is a retired concrete man that we attend church with.  Duh....  I felt so stupid for not thinking about him sooner.  He even told me he felt like God wanted him to call me.  Guess what?  He has just finished pouring my sidewalks.  Yeah!!!!  I will never take not having side walks again for granted.  Wonderful invention, concrete.  Maybe I can keep my floors clean of dirt. With kids, my floors will never be clean.

The Bulldozer

     Even with the grief, my life still has humor.  If you are anything like me, Phil did the majority of the outside chores around our house.  I did my share of the mowing, but he did just about everything else.  He was also handy at operating just about any piece of machinery.  I am not sure why men love bulldozers, but my husband and father had gone in together to purchase one for them both to use last year.  We have 63 acres and my parents have over 100 acres, so we definitely had some plans for it.   A few weeks ago,  I had some driveway material delivered and needed it spread around.  When I need something outside done, I usually call on my brother-in-law.  He said he could come later in the week to spread it for me.
     Being the impatient person that I am, and seeing that the bulldozer is at my house, I decided to go out and see if I could figure out how to operate it.  I put my 5 year old down for a nap, and gave instructions to my daughter to stay inside, and I went out with my ear plugs in hand.  I decided to say a quick prayer, and also requested some of Phil's skills at equipment operating.  I sat up there and looked at all of the symbols.  Pretty self explanatory, so I started it up.  There is a safety belt on equipment, and I decided not to strap myself in just in case I needed to bale.  I backed it up and started spreading.  I didn't want to go very fast.  To my surprise, it worked out.  I looked over in my back yard to see my daughter in disbelief and recording me with my phone.  Before I finished, she had sent the video to my brother-in-law and numerous other people.  He ended up calling me after I got back into the house, to ask what i was up to.  He did end up coming over and finishing up, but now I know how to operate a bulldozer.  Phil would be proud!  I have some other projects I am working on getting around to doing, but I am afraid my dad is going to move it to his house to keep me from doing anything else.

My Strong Tower

     In any book you pick up about grief, anniversaries and holidays can be the hardest days.  Father's day turned out being a difficult day after all.  I did good through church and into the evening.  Then, without any notice, the tears began.  It's hard to swallow the fact that my kids will never have their Father again.  I know it is good to cry, and I did feel much better.  I have found that my hardest days of grief, are the days that I do not spend my needed time with the Lord.  Even if it is a study, or just reading the word, that keeps my mind focused on heavenly things and not worldly.  I have complete confidence that I will get through this time with God's help.  Proverbs 10:18,  "The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe."  I read Joyce Meyer's book "You Can Begin Again", and one thing she writes is that you didn't see this coming, but God did.  Remember Psalm 68:5.  "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling."  It gives me strength to know I am not going through this without my Heavenly Father.

The Butterfly

     I wanted to explain the significance the butterfly has had on my life since my husband's death.  Just a few hours before we lost Phil, my daughter had come to see me carrying a beautiful butterfly bird feeder.  She had purchased it to cheer me up.  I loved it!  Once we were able to finally get settled into our house, several weeks later, I hung it up in the living room.  It was much too pretty to let the birds have it.  I somehow felt like it had a significant meaning, so I looked it up.  The Christian meaning is that a butterfly symbolizes resurrection.  It disappears into a cocoon and appears dead, but emerges later more powerful and beautiful than before.  I thought about Phil and how weak and horrible he looked before he died.  Just moments before he took his last breath, he smiled and looked so peaceful.  I knew at that moment, he was with his Heavenly Father.  1 Corinthians 15: 42-44 says, "So will it be with the resurrection of the dead.  The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness; it is raised in power; it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body.
     I cannot tell you how many butterflies I have seen this spring.  Every time I am outside mowing or just feeling sorry for myself, I see one fluttering around.  I think about Phil and smile at how happy he must be.  One day, while I was desperately trying to put on my wedding ring without crying, I thought about the butterfly and had an idea.  Since rings were Phil's special gifts to me over the years, I was just going to have to put my rings up and go buy a new one.  Guess what,  I found a butterfly ring.  I bought the ring for me and some matching earrings for my daughter.  I wear this ring all the time in place of my wedding ring.  Now when I look at my hand, it doesn't sadden me.  I feel encouraged to keep striving to move forward.

Father's Day

    Today is the first Father's Day since I lost my husband.  I had several people asking me this past week what I was going to do today.  I wanted to hide my head under my pillow and never get out of bed.  Unfortunately, with small children that is not an option.  I decided to face my fears and go to church.  If it wasn't this Father's Day, then I would have to face it next year.  I did really good, until my children were dismissed to Children's Church.  Our Pastor began to talk about Fathers and went into several stories.  I felt it getting harder and harder to swallow.  I could also feel my eyes getting blurry.  I thought to myself, no, I am not going to cry today.  I prayed that God would help me get through this service or I was going to have to leave.  All of the sudden, I felt like there were many people sitting next to me.  The pew was empty next to me in this world, but I know that Angels were sitting there beside me.  I could feel the Holy Spirit surrounding me, and I made it through the service without one tear.  I felt overjoyed!!
     The day isn't over yet, but I have a renewed strength.  I did talk with my children on the ride to church this morning.  I wanted them to remember that even though they didn't have a physical earthly Father anymore, they had a heavenly Father who will fill our void.  Psalms 68:5 says, "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling."  Please rely on God during the difficult holidays.  I know He is and will continue to help me with the rest of today.

Intro to Crazy

     I wanted to go back in time a few months to share what has happened in my life over the past 5 months since my husband's death.  It's been crazy!  A few weeks after the funeral and the "gut kick in the stomach" eased a little, it was time to pick up our puppy.  Yes, I said puppy.  What was I thinking, you ask?  My husband, Phil had purchased an Australian Shepherd puppy for our children at Christmas.  He was just a baby and not ready to pick up until after the funeral.  So I loaded my kids and Mom up in my car, and drove 3.5 hours in a threatening snow storm, to pick up Stetson.  I figured this distraction was just what my kids needed.  As most of you know, a puppy is basically like having another kid.  To save time, I will only tell one of the many destructive stories.  One such day, I had come home from making a run to Sam's.  Unloading all of my goodies, and my package of nice new white socks dropped to the ground.  Stetson takes his chance, and grabs them running around the yard with his prized possession.  Not wanting a bunch of holes put in them, I run around screaming at him to put them down. I looked up to see why my kids were not helping me only to see them laughing at their mom's predicament.  Being the adult here, I looked up at the sky and yelled at Phil.  "This was supposed to be your dog, not mine.  I didn't even want another dog".  I finally caught the little rascal and retrieved my socks without harm.
     Another crazy time I screamed at the sky was trying to fix something in my house.  Moving into a brand new house, there were a few things that needed to be done.  I realized one job was cutting closet rods for my coat closet.  My Mom told me what I needed to get and I went out to my husband's stash of tools.  Now, my husband's hobby was building houses so his stash isn't normal.  I opened up my storage building to see a bunch of tools.  Which one did she tell me to get?  After looking for 10 minutes, I finally just got what I thought would cut the closet rod and walked back to the house.  Not without yelling at Phil again.  I was never able to enter his tool area because he was very picky and locked me out.  Probably due to the fact that I kind of put a screw driver back in the wrong place, but I didn't mark where it was and just put it in the general vicinity.   Gee!  Anyways, I looked up at the sky and held out the tool I had just retrieved and said, "I am sure this isn't the right tool for the job, but I have the keys and they are my tools now".  Unfortunately, my sister saw this go on, and looked at me very oddly as I came back into the house.  If she didn't think the grief of loosing Phil had made me loose my mind, she definitely knew I had now.  So, if you need to yell at the sky or get a little frustrated at times, it's ok,  just make sure you are alone.   It is difficult to go from having your set of jobs in a marriage, to doing both.  Believe me, I have done some things he probably would have shaken his head about.  Like using one of his nice paint brushes to stain my posts on the porch.  It dried frozen in place and I had to throw it out.  You learn by doing, right?  Stain doesn't come out of a brush by just using soap and water, at least this stain.  I also realized that I did know how to do more than I thought.  Even if you do not actually do the job with your spouse, just watching them gives you the knowledge to try it yourself.  I have prayed many times asking God to give me some of Phil's wisdom.  I even started up his bulldozer and used it for a job, but I will tell that story later.  Do not give up.  It is harder to get things accomplished, but slowly I am checking things off of my to do list.  One of Phil's favorite verses: Philippians 3:13-14 "…forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."