Friday, December 18, 2015

Mice

I have had lots to write about, but have found the fall to be busier than summer.  Now that we are finished with school for Christmas, I am finding some free time to finish up some projects I started this summer.  I had to write about my mice encounter.  Sometimes my life can be just down right funny without my kids doing a thing.  In October, I finally got up the courage to finish going through the very last thing that Phil owned, his tool trailer.  For some reason this object has been the hardest.  I just parked it to the side at my house and tried to forget its existence.  On this particular day, I dropped the kids off with my mom and decided to tackle the job all alone.  I have found that sometimes you just need the time to be able to cry without anyone around if you feel the need.  I was rocking along great, and had taken something in the barn to put in the tack room.  As I entered, I saw a tiny mouse running for cover.  That's not good.  I followed the little varmint and decided that I better clean this room out and see how bad the problem was really.  Usually if you see one, there is a friend.  I started cleaning and found three more running for cover.  At this point, I got mad.  I thought this is all I need.  I looked in the corner and saw my daughter's pink bat.  I thought this will take care of them.  Sometimes getting mad about something totally takes over our common sense of judgement.  For the next five minutes, I tried to hit the mice.  I finally stopped after I realized they were too fast for me.  I am sure my horses thought, what is she doing in there.  I called the voice of reason, my mother, and she said to just put out some traps.  (That wasn't satisfying enough when you find that they are making a nest in your saddle.)  I did end up taking care of my problem, but did laugh out loud at how funny I probably looked trying to hit the mice with a bright pink bat.  
     Later that month, I thought about a lesson I should learn from having mice in my tack room.  As Christians and women, we tend to try and take care of problems as soon as they arrive.  I definitely have the "I'll fix it" mentality.  At that moment I really had to just stop and pray.  I have been just taking care of situations in my life instead of praying and letting God handle them.  I guess I needed mice to wake me up a little.  Isn't it funny what God can use to speak to His children.  

Friday, September 18, 2015

Busy Time

     Lately, I have been fairly busy trying to get our school year off to a good start and getting us back into a routine.  Schedule is very important to my household.  I am often asked how do I do it.  I wonder that question on a daily basis.  Keeping up with my home, land, and homeschooling my two children has become a more than full time job.  Having a set schedule and routine is key.  When I waiver from it in any fashion, my kids behavior reminds me.  
     Every year I come up with some kind of chore chart or new found something from the internet.  Nothing compares to this Mom just sitting down and personalizing your own.  I have found that my kids respond to a small allowance the best and privileges taken from them if not completed.  Screen time, TV or computer,  is a great starting zone of getting their attention.  When one person in our household doesn't help out, it means more work on all.  I have explained how important their help is to Mom and that I depend on them tremendously.  My kids love feeling important.
     I am trying to bring "fun" back into our family time.  I tend to get preoccupied with all that has to be completed in a day and forget to be spontaneous.  Kids don't need you to jump from an airplane, but maybe extend their bedtime by 20 minutes.  My kids want to ride horses all the time, so I am trying to make more time.  I realize my stress level drastically reduces when I have a little fun.  Being a widow, I think I tend to overcompensate for both parents when I need to remember one person can only do so much.  My kids will not like Mom being part of their fun forever, I must enjoy them while I am still considered "cool".
     I read a scripture that I felt really describes my path now.  Matthew 7:13-14: "Go in through the narrow gate.  The gate that leads to destruction is broad and the road wide, so many people enter through it.  But the gate that leads to life is narrow and the road difficult, so few people find it."  As  a younger widow, I am going down a path few people my age must travel.  Through my experience, God has given me the courage to embrace my path and not be scared to continue walking down it.  I trust in Him for the outcome.  Even though it is difficult, and no one close to me understands what I face daily, I will seek His will and not be afraid.  He is working and restoring happiness in my life.




"Cheap Fun"- courtesy of UPS

Monday, August 10, 2015

My Wedding Anniversary

     No matter how much time goes by, you still have those special dates that bring sadness.  My wedding anniversary is on Wednesday, August 12th.  We would have been married 15 years.  The could have been future plans still go through my mind at times.  The other day I was going though an old box of things and came across a huge stack of cards.  You guessed it, special cards from Phil.  (I tend to keep cards from everything).  I had to go through them and try to weed the stack to a more manageable amount to keep.  Wow, how the memories came back.  I even kept from shedding one tear.   I came across a poem Phil had written in our college English class.  I had been so proud that day because he had actually stayed awake and listened in class.  (Should have known better).  Phil had been diligently writing a poem for me.  After class he gave it to me and I still have it.  Instead of focusing on the time I didn't get to have on my anniversary, I am going to try and be thankful for the time I did have.  I sure have two amazing kids who are the best part of both of us.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Girl Time

      Recently, I had the chance to spend some quality time with my daughter, Anna.  She has always struggled more than her younger brother with missing her Dad.  Phil would always take her out on dates.  He would even dress up and she would wear her favorite Sunday dress.  I know she has missed those special evenings out.  We went shopping and even went to the spa, where she laughed hysterical at me having my eyebrows and lip waxed.  To top off her day out, she was able to see a friend's new puppy.  Spencer will be next as soon as I figure out where to take him.  Since they always have to share my attention, I think it really helps to have that one on one time.  Plus,  it's nice to be able to concentrate on just one.  Anna smiled more that day than I have seen in a while, and I got the best hug.  Best girl day ever!
     

Thursday, July 23, 2015

"JOY" - Just Overcome You

     A few mornings ago, the birds woke me up singing.  I looked at the clock and it was still early, so I snuggled back in the covers for a few more minutes.  I am not much of an early morning person.  I usually get up around 7, and it usually takes me at least my morning cup of coffee to be alive enough for my brain to function.  This morning waking up at 6, and then this coming through my head, I knew was the Holy Spirit.  The day before I had one of those frustrating days.  Nothing went right, the kids were arguing about anything and everything, I was having a "I just want to go back to bed day".  I even told my Mom, " I need to take off for about 20 days".  (Like that would ever happen.) 
     I hate it when The Lord answers me and it feels like I got a slap in the face.  The word "Joy" came into my mind.  My joy had been robbed the day before because I let it.  Nobody else was at fault, but me.  I needed to get my joy back, or "Just Overcome You".  He was so right, and how I needed this.  I have found that when I start letting my mind complain to myself, it just grows and grows until my day is shot and I am so unhappy.  I snap at the kids and just want to hide out away from life.  I want my days to be filled to the max and to hear my kids laugh.  I must live out my life filled with as much happiness as I can fit into the week.  I just desire to be the woman God has called me to be and the best mother.  Please don't let "you" rob your joy.

Psalm 95:1 - " Come, let us sing for joy to The Lord; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation."

Monday, July 13, 2015

A New Calmness

      I don't know why my best thinking time always happens in my truck between my house and my parents.  Maybe because my kids are being somewhat quiet listening to their favorite Christian music, or because there is road work on my route.  Here lately it has added an extra 15 minutes of sitting still and waiting on the little pilot car to take you through the construction.  Whatever the reason, a little over a month ago it finally hit me.  Calmness.  I felt normal again.  Not just normal but I was enjoying my day.  I noticed my laughter was coming back, and I had actually gone a day or two without remembering my loss.
     For a brief second I thought this isn't right.  How can it be there one day so strongly and not the next?  What have I done differently?  Then, it was like I just knew the answer.  I had been praying for this for such a long time.  I wanted to feel like myself again and not hurt like this anymore.  God had answered my prayer.  Why had I ever doubted He would?  I guess this hurt was so great, I had somewhat thought it would never truly go away.  Yes, I still have sad moments and miss my husband and friend, but I really feel like life is finally looking up.  Now I smile and I mean it. 
Philippians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

                                                    
                   My sister's dog, Patch, enjoying the day and closing his eyes because of the breeze.  
                   

Thursday, June 4, 2015

God Equips You

     The past few months have brought lots of rain here in Texas.  I can't remember the last time I have seen so much water.  The only problem I have had at my place is huge pot holes in my driveway.  During all the rain, I decided to build a horse barn the first of May ( oh, well).  I am so excited to finally finish this so I can move all of my things out of storage and have them at one location.  Maybe by the end of this year, I will be organized.  I can at least hope:)
     I have had an increased amount of yard work with all this rainfall, and seem to spend at least a whole day mowing and weed eating.  The other day during weed eating, I thought about how I am blessed.  Not to be weed eating, but blessed to know how to do the jobs I have to do being alone.  I always told God since loosing Phil, that he needed to have given me about a six month notice to let Phil teach me some more things.  I realized I know how to accomplish anything I need to do.  I can operate and grease the tractor, do minor repairs on my zero turn mower, blower, and weed eater.  I can fix things in the house, and have come to love WD-40.  I can paint, fix fence, put up electric fence, even shave my dog to save money (that was a huge undertaking that I wouldn't advise).  The best thing is with technology, I can "You Tube" or "Google" instructions on anything.  God did give me the knowledge I needed to get through this time.  I don't know why that came as such as shock for me, but I am moving forward.
     I still have my lonely times, like today, but have come to the conclusion to embrace this time.  I just recently returned from a quick trip with a friend, which gave me some much needed confidence.  This trip showed me that I can travel without a husband.  With GPS, I can go anywhere I need to go.  Upon returning home, I finally had the epiphany that I am going to be happy during this time of my life.  No, it is not what I wanted, dreamed of, or thought would ever happen.  If God would have asked me, I would have told Him that I wasn't strong enough for this.  Being the Creator of me, He knew I was.  He was well aware that I could make it through these days with Him.  If God has the confidence in me to do this, then I will have it too.  I want to enjoy my kids during this time, and have some fun.  They are growing so quickly, and I have to grow too.  Grow in strength, understanding, and motivation to step out and move on without Phil.  I will always love him and miss him, but I have to do this without him and raise our children how we wanted.  Raising them strong in the Lord and teach them as much as I possibly can, before I embarrass them and they don't want me around:)


Philippians 3:13-14: "Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."


"The carefree life of my dog"

Friday, April 17, 2015

Yard Work Blues

     Lately, I have had the yard work blues.  With Spring, grows an  abundance of weeds.  Dandelions are taking over my yard!  To make things worse, my handy dandy, never ever breaks 10 year old snapper, decided to have issues.  Then,  I got my brand new zero turn mower stuck in the ditch right next to the road.  Not wanting to get embarrassed and attract any attention with the passing cars, I ran back up to the house to call my brother-in-law. (I know he must wish he can just push ignore when I call)  He came out and picked up the front and had it out in less than a minute.  I felt totally frustrated and helpless.  My two hour normal yard work took all day.  I just wanted to give up, go inside, and sit in my recliner and eat some chocolate.  I also seriously thought about buying some goats.
     After about a week of a sorry attitude, God got my attention.  I had begun to fell sorry for myself and this endless situation I am in.  I miss Phil and having someone to count on and ask questions.  After almost 15 months I thought I would have things down.  I am the hardest on myself.  I pick apart my lack of knowledge and make myself feel down about my disorganized self.  All of the sudden I realized that I was disorganized before Phil passed.  Instead of counting on a husband, I must start counting on my Lord and Savior.  I find that when I have a problem I cannot figure out, He always sends the answer.  I am concentrating on the happiness my children bring me.  This past Sunday, both kids were baptized.  The best part was that Phil was able to lead them to the Lord.  I feel so blessed to know he was able to hear their sweet prayers asking Jesus to come into their hearts.

  "For your husband is your Maker, Whose name is the Lord of hosts; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel, Who is called the God of all the earth."  Isaiah 54:5
   

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Open Your Eyes

     I  have just started a Bible study over the book "Lies Women Believe" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.  The first chapter has been truly eye opening for me.  I have been going through a lot of uncertainty and depression over how my life has turned out.  When you get used to life the way it was for so long, and then it completely changes, it really takes some getting used to.  I love my children and enjoy the laughter they bring to my life, but felt so lonely once they were in bed.  I have realized my pain and loneliness is only the Devil trying to get at me.  Yes, my life has changed drastically, but it's not over.  I have found a peace with life.  It may not be what I had dreamed of, but I have a good life.  Two wonderful kids, great parents, loving sisters and brother-in-laws, awesome friends, a church that loves us,  much better than I deserve.  God has provided and all I have been doing is feeling so sorry for what I didn't have.
     I also have decided to try and give light into other lives.  It may be just a smile, but I need to be about my Father's business.  I don't know how long before He comes, but I want to give back to those in need of a few blessings.  Death does not have to be the end.  Those living can make it what you choose.  If you want to be a sad, depressed, hurt individuals the rest of your life, then get ready to be alone.  Who wants to be with a person that hates life?  I want my kids to remember their childhood with fondness.  Their mom was awesome and had a bunch of fun.  Not that their mom closed up into a shell after their dad passed away.  I choose to teach them about tent camping.  (one of Phil's favorite activities)  Not necessarily my favorite, but Phil would only take us when it was too cold to be pleasant.    I want them to know how to do things in the woods.  How to start fires with kindling.  I may be goggling a bunch of things, but here goes nothing.  I have opened my eyes!

           
                               
               
                "Open my eyes so I can examine the wonders of your Instruction." - Psalm 199:18
   

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Time to Laugh and Dance

     The past few weeks have been busy for my family.  We have had several winter storms and we went to Mississippi to visit my sister, Dawn.  She informed us that her and her husband were expecting twins.  Our family is very excited for blessed news times two!  My daughter is just beside herself with excitement and would move in with my sister if I would let her.  Our very first cousins on my side of the family, so I can see why Anna is ecstatic.
     I have been reading a lot of Christian romance novels lately and watching Hallmark.  I probably should cut it out, since it usually makes me miss Phil.  One movie I watched had a very good quote that made me really think.  The quote was, "If you live long enough, and lose enough people, you learn to appreciate the memories you have and stop begrudging the ones you never got to make."  I have been struggling with memories that I will not have with Phil.  Feeling sorry for my kids and the time they didn't get to have with their Dad.  Our families' memories are really great and we had some of the best ones right before we lost Phil.  I didn't know that God could talk through a movie to me until that night.  I feel so much like a kid in those moments when I realize that I should have known that.
     Hopefully we will begin having more spring like weather and I will be able to start preparing for  our garden.  I have several spring projects around the house and will try and remember to take some pictures.  I have been reading Ecclesiastes and remembered a passage that just touches me every time I hear it.   I pray that my time to laugh and dance comes soon.


Ecclesiastes 3:1-8:  " There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:  A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear down and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."


Friday, February 13, 2015

Valentine's Day

     Since I do not have a special someone for Valentine's Day, I thought I would send out my love to family and friends.  I do love chocolate, so tomorrow will not be too bad.  At least there are good sales on it in the stores.  I am thankful this Valentine's Day for actually being aware of it this year.  This time a year ago,  I just really do not remember the month of February.  I guess since Phil had passed away in January, I was still in shock.  My daughter, my little brain, told me what we did last year.  We had asked a couple of close friends and their kids over to play.  The kids loved it because they all played on this huge dirt pile next to my house.  (Which is still there)  They all got so filthy dirty that I was sweeping dirt up for a week.  Why do I feel the need to ever spend money on my children?   Just keep the dirt pile and my kids are happy.  (If you know of anyone who needs some dirt, let me know.)
     I think I finally woke up last year after the trees had finished putting their leaves on for spring.  That happens to be one of my favorite times of the year and I thank God I can enjoy it this year.  It is amazing to me how He can work and protect you through grief.  I know without a shadow of a doubt, I needed that time where I was in shock to heal.  I have people ask me all the time about how the kids are doing.  Thankfully, they are doing great.  I look at them today and they are the most happy lovable kids.  Spencer sings all day some stupid little song he heard off Bonanza, while driving me insane popping his cap guns as he pretends to be the Lone Ranger.  Anna is still as sweet and helpful as she always has been.  She has become a superb little cook.  From cookies, pies, biscuits, she is always baking.  She is definitely taking on her Daddy's baking talents.  I look at her and often think she is more of the Mom than I am.  I will never understand the reason Phil had to leave us so soon, but I feel truly in awe at how God is fixing us back to a normal little family.  We really do serve an awesome and capable God!  I pray you all feel the love I feel in my heart for our heavenly Father tomorrow.

                                                               Happy Valentine's Day!

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Be Still

     I used to wonder why my Mom never sat down and just chilled.  That was before I was a Mom.  Sometimes it can be exhausting and I have a whole new appreciation for single Moms.  It's hard!  Last week I had the feeling sorry for myself blues.  Let's be honest, I have had the blues for a while now.  I started to question my decision of homeschooling my kids.  My son has been extremely difficult lately.  I really think it is just his age, but I finally had to put my foot down and he has been much better after is little attitude readjustment.  I have been definitely praying a bunch about decisions I feel like should be made this year.  It is so funny how God can slap your face with something and you realize how much of a kid you have been acting.  Sounding familiar?
     Sometimes we just need to step back and be still.  Get to a quiet place and really relax.  Talk to our heavenly Father.  It may be only 5 minutes  before something interrupts you, but try it.  I put pressure on myself, not any one person or thing doing it.  I just need to learn how to let God take His time in my life.  It may not be the right moment for these decisions.  One thing for sure is I am going to keep homeschooling.  I have a teaching degree and have always enjoyed it.  My kids love it and I even have a school house.  I am going to take it year by year and pray before each school year.  Someday, God may lay it upon my heart to do something else, but I just have to keep stepping one foot in front of the other.  Satan sure knows how to get into your head and make you think you can't do something.  Yes, raising kids is hard without your spouse, but this is the season I am in right now and I am going to rejoice through the tears.

               
                                                Cottonwood Lake near Buena Vista, CO.
                                             Mountains help me feel calm and realize the
                                                 glory of His creation.  Pretty awesome.

                    "It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." Lamentations 3:26

Monday, February 2, 2015

Animal Update

     I thought it was time to add some comic relief to my blog.  As many of you already know, I have a year old Australian Shepherd, Stetson, and my Mom's black cat, Lucy.  When we go over to Mom and Dad's house (Gigi and Pawpaw), we always take Stetson where he can play with my sister's pit bull, Patch.  (Really so I can wear him out so he won't chew up so many things at my house:)  Anyways, his new favorite past time is attacking my Mom's back yard bird feeder.  To show you the extent of my dog's intellectual being, he hides in her bushes waiting for the beautiful little birds to come to the feeder.    Once a good number of non-suspecting targets are on the ground below the feeder, out jumps this big dog running in for the attack.  Of course the birds see him coming a mile away, and fly up into the safety of the tree.  Then just because of all the effort, Stetson looks up in the tree and barks for 5 minutes.  This goes on for hours.......and hours.........
     Another one of his favorite activities is taking off the faucet cover.  I have one outdoor faucet that he can get to on my house that I have tried to keep covered during the cold nights.  It doesn't matter what I put on it, towels, an actual faucet cover, and a plastic pipe covering, off it comes and within seconds is buried out behind my school house.  Yes, he is one and yes, he should be outgrowing this type of behavior.  Grrrrr.....  I tell you if Phil had not given this dog to our children, he would be for sale in a heart beat.  Don't get me wrong, I love dogs, but this one is trying my patience.  I keep telling myself that he will grow out of this as I write this post and he is outside chasing birds.
     Now as for Lucy, she is the most spoiled rotten cat ever.  She sees my truck coming down the driveway and meets my kids at the door to come in the house and be held.  Her most favorite past time is napping and napping.  This winter she has gained at least 5 pounds.  We will have to put her on a diet in the spring.  
Lucy acting like she doesn't notice Stetson.

Stetson begging to come into the school house.  This is his sweet face, and it didn't work.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

One Year Mark

     January 26, 2014 marked my first year mark since Phil passed away.  I kept myself extremely busy and managed to go through the day without mishaps.  I thought things would be fine until Wednesday. I had a really hard day that made me remember the time right after his death.  My heart had not ached like that for several months.  I think for some reason I expected things to magically be alright by the second year.  All of my major decisions figured out and life finally getting back to normal.  That's not happening!  It is still hard to realize that I am the sole decision maker in the family.  I think when you have two people making the decisions, you know even if it was one person's fault for the error, the couple shares the repercussions of the mistake.  Now it's just me.
     I struggle with being lonely and trying to decide if I should stay living in the country with so much land to care for.  I know that it was my dream as well as his to live on land, but it's hard when the sole care of the place is all on you.   I pray and pray about these struggles, but God just stays quiet.  I have decided to just stay put and keep listening for His guidance.  (It sure is hard at times.)  I cannot force His hand to move prematurely.
     One good thing is that I am about to have the much needed yard sale.  I finally can see through to the other side of my storage building.  I even was able to come across our photo box without too much pain.  Maybe I can finally put together the photo book for the kids of their favorite pictures with their Dad.  My one hiccup that I can't seem to sell is Phil's horses.  I have three that I just cannot find a new home for.  It will happen in time.  God is definitely teaching me patience throughout my journey.  It has never been one of my strong virtues.

      "Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord."  Psalm 27:14

                                                                         Phil and me

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Little God Signs

     I am less than a week away from being the one year mark since my husband, Phil, went to be with the Lord.  I have to say that I am somewhat relieved to be coming up on a full 365 days.  It has been hard, and there were days when I thought I wasn't going to see another year, but I almost have made it.  I still would give anything to see him or get a "Phil hug", but I am so much closer to our Lord and Savior than I was a year ago.  God is giving me the much needed strength to get through this.  It is totally amazing to realize that even through the toughest possible loss, I am making it day by day and getting stronger.  Not to say my brain is back on the up and up, that might take a miracle.  (Not to mention my Mom reminded me there is dementia on both sides of my family.  I told her that was great, because with this loss and stress, I was bound to get it.)  All I can say is hopefully the Lord will come back before I truly go crazy!
     I have experienced some of the neatest God signs over my year.  Just when I think I am going to crater, I see something that encourages me.  For instance, the other day as I was about to turn into my driveway, about 10 cardinals flew right in front of my truck.  One of my most favorite God signs is my front door.  As we were building our house before Phil became sick, I found this door and had to have it.  This door was the one item that just grabbed my attention.  As I was moving into my new home after the funeral, I noticed why this door was so special.  I came into my living room and saw 3 brightly lit crosses on my wall.  The sun was shining through the window on my door lighting the design on the living room wall.  For the first time, I saw the 3 crosses.  It was like God was reminding me that He was there walking with me through my pain.  He knows what pain is, and I just needed to trust that He will take care of me.  Every time after that when I see the crosses, I just smile.


"If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me."
Matthew 16:24

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Special Christmas Message

     This year, Christmas seemed to come and go fairly fast.  I thought this would be a day more painful than any other day so far, but it wasn't.  My kids did great and never shed one tear.  I caught my son praying in the truck Christmas Eve.  He didn't know that I could hear him over the radio.  He said, "Dear God, please tell my Daddy that I love him and wish he could come visit us".  Of course, I cried the rest of the way home.  Just turned up the radio and he never knew.  
     I went through Christmas day full of regular festivities and rocked on through till the evening.  Before I went to bed, I started praying about this whole year.  How I could use a word or something to help figure out and cope with my loss.  I opened my Bible to Jeremiah 29:11.  "For I know what I have planned for you, says the Lord.  I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you.  I have plans to give you a future filled with hope."  I love this verse, but I just needed more.  Then I felt like the Lord finally let me know why Phil died and was not healed.  If God had healed Phil, then He wouldn't have been able to touch as many lives as He did impact with calling Phil home.  I know Phil's death has touched many.  People prayed for him all over the world.  For many weeks and months after Phil's death, we would hear of amazing stories of the impact it had on people's lives.  I think realizing that you may not have tomorrow was one lesson many of our friends saw first hand.  A man in his thirties, in good health, can be taken in just three short weeks from the flu.  Calling one believer home, can impact and save many.  God would rather have saved many plus having Phil home, than healing Phil and loosing those souls.                         
     Also, the Lord showed me that sometimes He answers prayer to benefit best the 
loved one who is suffering.  Yes, He knew that I wanted Phil healed, but Phil was so sick and would have had disabilities.  Phil would not have been happy if he was not able to provide for his family.  He was a man of great strength and compassion for people.  He loved his family and especially his children.  A man who went on dates with his daughter, and would take his son on special outings just to see a smile.  He wanted to teach his kids how to be children of God.  He never met a stranger and always helped a friend in need.  Also, he knew how to do absolutely anything.  From changing a toilet out, leading someone to the Lord, riding a horse, building a house, and managing a business.  I never witnessed anything he didn't know how or figured out how to accomplish.  Knowing the happiness his work gave him, I feel certain that him not being able to accomplish those same goals would have broken his heart.  If his disabilities had taken his mobility, not holding his children would have broken his spirit.  
     After having this special time with the Lord, I felt my heart let go a heavy burden.  I knew finally that I had done everything possible and it wasn't my fault.  God had called Phil home and it didn't matter the circumstances or the doctors.  Nothing could have changed that or God's plans.  I am going to "Just Slide" and keep putting one foot in front of the other.